2017 might not be so bad after all

WELL, it can’t be any worse than last year, I suppose. And at least we’ll be free to say exactly what we want about 2017.

With Donald Trump in the White House and Boris Johnson at the Foreign Office, political correctness and diplomacy – or “good manners” as we used to call them – have gone out of the window for good.

Along with that European baby floundering in the gutter with the remains of its bathwater.

Anyway, this is tremendous news for anyone who might have been biting their tongue for decades, and could make 2017 The Year Of Brutal Honesty.

Which will be nice. Just imagine who might say what to whom. Or, if you can’t be bothered, keep reading and find out what I imagine they’ll say.

Springing initially to mind is the Prince of Wales, a man of almost infinite patience, but not quite.

So he might address his mother thus: “Look, Mummy, you’ll be 91 this year, you’ve made it into the Guinness Book Of World Records.

“You’ve worn every hat at least twice... so, time for someone else to have a go?”

Another interesting scenario

Just imagine who might say what to whom this year

might occur when I unaccountably find myself at the christening of Mick Jagger’s new baby.

“So,” I might say, “a father for the eighth time at the age of 73 and the mother is a 29-year-old ballet dancer 17 years younger than your oldest daughter?

“Mick,” I will surely add with a matey twinkle in my eye, “aren’t you a touch too old for the school run?”

John Swinney might well feel it’s the right time to have a word with his boss, in this manner: “Nicola, you’ve done brilliantly.

“First Minister, leading a party that dominates Scotland, respected around the world, a good chance of winning independence, broken the glass ceiling for women everywhere – you’ve nothing left to prove.

“So why in the name of the wee man are you still trying to be as tall as me?

“Nobody cares, so can we please lose the ridiculous high heels before you fall and hurt yourself?”

When you consider what the bishop could say to the actress, it might not be a bad year after all.