I feel I’ve let my dad down

Dear June

I LOST my dad five years ago after a long cancer battle.

I promised to look after Mum as she had been diagnosed with dementia.

She has now been in care for nearly a year.

She is receiving the care required in the advanced stages of her illness. I feel I’ve let Dad down.

Joanna, Glasgow.

June Says

A loved one can be very ill and near to death but will hang on to life because they feel they are needed by those they are leaving behind.

When you make them a promise, it allows them to be free of their responsibilities on earth knowing things will be taken care of in their absence.

In most cases, when they have been given permission to go by loved ones who say they will be OK and will manage without them, they pass over very soon afterwards.

When your dad was dying, he would have been concerned and worried about your mum as he knew she relied on him.

When you made the promise to look after your mum, her illness had not progressed to a level where she would require more specialist care.

You must ask yourself, if your dad was here now would he be able to cope or would he want your mum to have the specialist care her illness now requires?

When the promise was made, your mum did not require 24-hour care.

I am in no doubt those in spirit can see these changes and therefore fully understand the reasons behind the promises not being carried out.

June Says

Losing your grandmother would have been a very sad day and, even though you were more accepting of her passing due to her struggles, she will be sorely missed.

The sudden, unexpected passing of your grandfather is a difficult loss to accept.

It is not uncommon for a long-term partner to lose their interest, enthusiasm and will to carry on after the loss of their lifelong friend and companion.

A small consolation to bear in mind afterwards is they will be together again, having only been parted for a short time.

I get the impression your grandmother was the stronger member of the family and seemed to hold everyone together.

Your grandfather, on the other hand, was easy going and would be happy to follow on with decisions she made.

This does not mean he wasn’t respected by everyone, it merely means he would be happy as long as she was.

Can you imagine living your life with someone and then they’re not there anymore?

Your life’s purpose would be gone and it’s not so easy in later life to adjust and adapt to a new normality.

I hear the song We’ll Gather Lilacs In The Spring, which must

hold significance to them.

I am being shown a silver box (looks like a tea caddy) with carved elephants on it and I have the distinct impression of India.

Did they ever travel to India? Did they plan to go but didn’t get the opportunity?

I can see a couple standing side by side holding hands. They are together once more where they belong.

Do not worry about them as they will look after each other now and eternally.

VERDICT

My nana was a very strong-willed character who was full of life and my papa was quieter and happy to go along with things.

They were great Frank Sinatra lovers and We’ll Gather Lilacs In The Spring is on one of the albums I recently looked at.

They lived in India for many years before my time and loved it. As a child I would be told many stories about their time there and how beautiful it was.

Many items were brought back with them including a silver caddy with elephants on it.

They liked to drink real tea through a tea strainer.