Playingat sojerstaught me history

ONE day I’m going to find out how to unsubscribe from all those emails I signed up for under the delusion they might be interesting and/or useful/possibly even profitable/honestly, how stupid can a grown man be.

Until then I’ll continue to plough my way through the usual summer inbox suggestions for “great family days out,” even though my family hasn’t attempted one of those since Tony Blair was popular.

The latest invited me to spend my weekend at some ruined castle watching meaty blokes in pretend armour pretend to knock lumps out of each other.

Historical re-enactment they call it. Big kids playing sojers I call it.

When our kids were small we took them to one of these things.

A team of jousters, jesters and wenches had come all the way from darkest England where this kind of event is very popular, due possibly to the harder water they enjoy there.

The tourist board made a big thing of it and literally dozens turned up to watch. It was quite diverting for five minutes but became a bit samey, quickly descending into being “pretty lame,” according to my seven-year-old.

If we put a stop to this, struggling actors will lose seasonal work

People drifted away, telling the jester where to put his bladder-ona-stick. No one learned anything about history they wouldn’t have got from Hollywood in the 1930s. And there’s the rub.

These things are supposed to “bring history to life”. But unless they somehow arrange for you to die before you’re 30 covered in manure and weeping sores, with a large baron clubbing you about the head and limbs, the accuracy is likely to be less than historical.

And why is it only the distant past they re-enact? Is there a cut-off point where death and mutilation cease to be family entertainment? Probably round about the Somme –mustard gas does make ice cream taste funny.

OK, I know if we put a stop to this, struggling actors will lose their seasonal work.

But after Brexit they’ll be able to get jobs picking turnips when the Eastern Europeans leave.

So, if you want to learn about history, read a book. If you want a family day out, find some grass, eat some sandwiches and kick a ball.

People have been doing it for years. You could call it a lesson from history.