My charming workmate is everything my husband isn’t – how far should I push it?
Dear Maggie
I am 54 and my husband is 53. Our children are in their 20s and have left home. I work in an office and feel increasingly attracted to a man I work with. He’s slightly older than my husband but he’s everything my husband isn’t – funny, chatty and charming.
He’s still living life to the full, too, with nights out, holidays and new experiences. My husband comes home from work and falls asleep after tea. If I suggest going out for a meal or to see a film, he can’t be bothered.
I was and am a good mum. I gave up a lot for my kids and have no regrets. But I feel this is my time and part of me wants to take things further with this man. I think he feels the same way.
Maggie says
There are many women who experience the same emotions in midlife. The family are raised and sometimes you look at the man you’ve shared a large part of your life with – as he sits there slumped in front of the TV – and you wonder, is this it?
Then you go into work and someone who has a lot of energy and wit actually notices you and makes you laugh.
You start to feel like a woman again. The attention is subtle and flattering. It’s heady stuff. But desperately dangerous.
Everything you and your husband have worked for together could be lost if you respond to your colleague. How well do you really know him? Can you trust him? What would your husband’s reaction be if he found out?
By all means enjoy the good working relationship you have with your colleague. The French flirt at work and both sexes feel happier because of it. But the French are pragmatic, too, so keep a cool head.
If he asks you out for lunch, why not accept? Men and women can enjoy a good friendship without it leading to romance. Listen to how he chats about his wife and family. Get to know him slowly.
At the same time I suggest you switch off the TV one night at home and talk honestly with your husband. Suggest you have a “date night” once a week – a meal, a film, a walk in the park.
Explain to him that now the family are off your hands, you want a bit more out of life.
Bring home some holiday brochures and ask him where he’d like to go.
You’ve brought up a family, you have time now to get to know each other again. Don’t settle for a boring middle age. But don’t cut your colleague out of the picture. Be proud of yourself that an interesting man enjoys your company.
A mature friendship between a man and a woman is possible and life enriching. But pay attention to your own emotions at all times – don’t let things go further than you want.
Dear Maggie
My daughter is emigrating to Australia with her husband as they think they will have a better life there. I am furious. My daughter and her husband are being selfish. They will be depriving their children of loving grandparents. How can I make her change her mind?
Maggie says
The simple answer is – you can’t. Nor should you. Your daughter and her husband have every right to decide where they want to live.
They will have thought this through carefully and they believe this is the best decision for their future. You have to accept that – hard though it is. Trust me, I know. My son, his wife and our first granddaughter moved to Saudi Arabia this year when he got his dream job there.
We were sad to lose weekly contact with seven year old Jamila but technology has made the world a smaller place. We have a family app and Skype, and we all send messages and photographs to each other.
You too can continue the relationship with your daughter and her family. Support them. Stay in touch. Save up for a holiday to visit them. Let them go with grace to follow their dreams. That way you will remain family.
WRITE TO Maggie Listens, The Sunday Post, 2 Albert Square, Dundee, DD1 9QJ OR EMAIL maggielistens@sundaypost.com
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