Grand – all homes need a brewery!

GRAND DESIGNS: HOUSE OF THE YEAR, CHANNEL 4

Look at you, sitting in the stunted hovel you laughably call a home. Oh, you think that’s a house, do you?

Well it isn’t, it’s just a big concrete box where you store your deeply mediocre possessions, shovel inferior gruel into your mouth, then hunker down for the night on a bed so pathetic it may as well be a bag of old cement.

No amount of rummaging through the aisles of Homebase for Rothko lampshades or brushed chevron rugs will make the fleapit in which you reside anything less than a literal hell on earth.

Did anyone else feel like this after watching Grand Designs: House Of The Year?

At least with vanilla Grand Designs there’s a chance a bafflingly upbeat couple will max out their final credit card and the ambitious carbuncle they’re constructing collapses.

But The House Of The Year showed only the best of the best homes from around the country and it was enough to make you ill with envy.

The winner’s house contained an oast house, a room to dry hops for making beer.

There’s also a performance space, complete with grand piano, where one can presumably enjoy a concerto.

I know, thou shouldnae covet thy neighbour’s performance space – but it’s enough to drive you to drink.

ShamefulIy, I lack an oast house to call my own.