HOW DO I SAY NO TO FAMILY?

I normally organise Christmas for the whole family. This year I want a rest. Am I being selfish?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

I know Christmas can be a stress for many families but I am hoping you can help with my dilemma.

After my mum passed away I took over the Christmas dinner, buying presents for my dad, brother and other family members. I have never minded doing that as family is what Christmas is all about and I love them all dearly.

I have had a stressful time over the last few months juggling my priorities at work and at home with my own children. I feel wiped out and I really want to say to my extended family that I want me, my husband and our kids at home, just us, for Christmas Day this year. I don’t want to hurt them and I also worry that they will struggle to set something up at this late stage.

Maggie says

I understand how you feel. You want to do your best for your family as you’ve always done, but try to stop feeling guilty about being honest with them.

It’s only the beginning of December and there’s no reason they can’t make other plans this year – perhaps they’d want to book a meal out at a restaurant or order some easy-cook food from the supermarket?

Explain to them that you’re feeling drained with all the pressures at work and that you’re really looking forward to the chance of a quieter Christmas this year with your husband and children. You’re absolutely entitled to that.

It sounds to me that your dad, brother and other family members rely on you just a little too much. It’s time for them to take over some of the responsibilities of organising their Christmas. As women we are often taken for granted – but there are times when we need to say “enough is enough”.

Surely your dad and brother are capable of shopping for presents and wrapping them? This is not your responsibility. It’s time they learned how to do this – who knows, they may even enjoy it!

If they panic about ordering food, help them to plan a shopping list of what they’ll need, or offer to do it online with them one evening.

But be firm and clear about your plans to spend Christmas at home with your husband and children.

It’s not selfish to want to do that – it’s natural. Once you’ve made your decision, take time to enjoy planning your at-home Christmas. Make it special and I hope you have a very happy and relaxing time together. You deserve it.