I’ve fallen off the wagon and my girlfriend is sick of my lies. How do I repair the damage?
Dear Maggie
I’ve been with my girlfriend for seven years and we’re both divorced.
She was married for more than 20 years and has three kids, while I was only married for a year (there’s 17 years between us).
I’ve battled with bouts of depression and drinking, which was putting a strain on our relationship. We decided I had to stop drinking or l’d lose her.
I quit straight away but then, when she was at a friend’s wedding, I started drinking again because I was afraid that she might meet someone else.
It put a massive weight on us and I said I’d get help, but I didn’t. I’m not one for opening up about my problems and my girlfriend knew something was up.
For Dutch courage I took a drink to help myself open up, but as I hadn’t eaten that day due to stress, that didn’t exactly go to plan.
Now she has ended the relationship due to the lies I’ve told and she says there’s no going back.
I’ve told her I’m going to go to a support group, but that doesn’t seem to be changing her mind.
Maggie says
Sorry, but I am going to be a bit tough and very honest with you. I’m not at all surprised your girlfriend has ended the relationship. Over and over again you have promised her that you will deal with your drinking and instead you’ve used it as a crutch to get you through your anxieties, despite knowing that in the end it doesn’t help – it only creates more problems.
It’s time to face yourself. You suffer from depression and alcohol is also a depressant. You must make the decision to stop drinking completely.
No excuses. Make an appointment with your GP. Perhaps your medication needs to be changed.
Ask if you can have counselling. You need a coping strategy – and alcohol is not it.
Only when you are prepared to stop this self-pity and realise that you have a responsibility to yourself and the people you love will you be able to have a meaningful relationship.
Your girlfriend has given you many chances and quite frankly you’ve blown them. I imagine she is feeling hurt and let down. So the choice is very clear. No more pointless promises. Start working on yourself. Get the medical help you need. Be honest with your counsellor about your own insecurities. Take one day at a time and don’t give in to self-pity.
You can and will come through this if you are completely honest with yourself. Now, at the start of a new year, is the right time to begin. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping you can do it.