What do I say to an old colleague whose ‘funeral’ I attended, after discovering he’s alive and well?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

I responded to a death notice in the local paper and sent “the widow” a condolence card, arranged for a floral tribute and attended the funeral.

Unfortunately the person who died was NOT who I knew, despite the same surname, Christian name, age, wife’s name and two daughters of the same names as the “non-deceased” had.

The error has only just come to light on seeing a former work colleague. I commented about “the death”, because there weren’t many at the funeral, and none that I knew.

I hadn’t even realised the widow and the two daughters were not the “non-deceased” family.

Could you suggest how to resolve this error – although I’m hoping other “condolence cards” were received – as I dread meeting the “nondeceased” in the near future (as could well happen)?

Maggie says

The odds are really high that other people have made the same error, with so many details of the identity of these two people being remarkably similar.

You’ve asked me how you can resolve this error – but you have

.“nothing to feel bad about.

It was a genuine mistake, you did what you thought was right at the time, with all best intentions.

You should not feel bad for trying to offer comfort to others.

If you do meet your former colleague in the near future, wait to see if he raises the matter and if he doesn’t, you can decide at that time whether to mention what happened or to say nothing about it at all.

The most important thing is that you accept what’s happened and try not to worry about it.

No one has been hurt and perhaps in time you will look back at this differently.

Dear Maggie

I have a lovely son and daughter (both married with two children each). Their dad died 18 years ago and it is as if I passed away, too, as nobody ever visits.

I still send Christmas and birthday cards but I wouldn’t know my grandchildren if I met them in the street.

They are grown up, with their own children, my great grandchildren. I am so hurt. I tried visiting them but it is awkward as they work. We didn’t fall out or have an issue.

It is so, so sad.

Maggie says

Your letter is very touching. Unfortunately you are not alone in this situation.

Many people find themselves cut off from their family and can’t understand how and why it happened. No doubt you will have thought long and hard about how this has happened to your relationships.

Would you feel able to write to your son and daughter, asking them to visit you to talk over some things which are concerning you?

Perhaps on your own home ground with them alone, you could explain how you feel?

They may be so busy and caught up in their own lives that they haven’t considered how lonely you are. Don’t make the letter judgemental. Keep it open and welcoming. If they phone and say “what’s this about?” be gentle but firm and say you’d rather talk face to face.

This isn’t a big ask. Family owe each other respect, tolerance and understanding. Perhaps something happened that they haven’t been able to discuss with you.

Keep an open mind and listen to what they say.

Gently suggest that you’d like a better relationship with your grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

I hope with all my heart that this works out for you and that you are able to enjoy rediscovering your family.