Maggie listens

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Is my fiance genuinely afraid of making a commitment or does he just see me as a plaything?

Dear Maggie

My fiance called off our wedding a few months back and said we should spend some time apart.

It came as a shock as we have been together for ages and I thought we were very much in love.

He moved out, but said we would remain friends – he even suggested we meet up regularly.

Since then I have been seeing him once or twice a week when we usually go for a drink or get a takeaway. Things always end up going further, but after an hour or so he leaves.

Something is different between us now, because we don’t talk like we used to. When we do, it’s hard work and we avoid anything serious.

I’ve tried to gently steer things around to our future, but he just clams up or changes the subject, so I don’t know where we stand.

I’m so unhappy and know I should just ask him directly, but I’m frightened this will cause a confrontation and force him further away.

Why is he doing this and what does he want from me?

Maggie Says

I have no idea why he is doing this. What I do know, however, is you cannot allow this behaviour to continue.

Everything is on his terms and this is leaving you feeling confused and uncertain. Bit by bit, it is sapping your confidence and you must find the courage to tell him you want to know how he feels about you and what he wants from the relationship.

Don’t be aggressive when you raise the subject, but be firm. He cannot have everything his way. A relationship is about “relating” and he isn’t doing that.

I know it will be hard and he may even refuse to have the conversation – so be prepared for that.

Perhaps he is uncertain about his emotions. Perhaps he’s not sure if he wants to make a commitment – but at the same time doesn’t want to lose you.

If that’s the case it’s best to be honest with each other. There’s a basic inequality in this relationship and unless you face up to this and tell him how you’re feeling, I suspect it will drift on and you will feel increasingly ill at ease. Don’t allow that to happen. Have the conversation and ask the questions you want answered. You deserve to know where you stand.

Hopefully he will respect your courage and tell you what he’s feeling. He owes you that. If he just wants a close friendship at this time, but isn’t certain about a serious commitment are you prepared for that?

Try to work out what you want from this relationship. Once you know, you will gain confidence in yourself. You have a right to understand how your partner feels. Don’t let him take you for granted. I do hope it works out in a satisfactory way for both of you.