My workaholic friend has no social life. How can I help her learn to enjoy life more?

Dear Maggie

I’m worried about my friend who is a complete hermit. She works really long hours and spends all of her spare time at home, studying for a degree.

She lives by herself and doesn’t even bother to answer the phone when I call her. I’m fed up of talking to her answering machine and sometimes she takes a week to call me back!

Whenever I do manage to talk her into coming out, she does seem to enjoy herself – but it doesn’t happen very often. It’s a real shame because we have so much in common and I know we could be better friends if she opened up to me.

Maggie says

It must be frustrating for you that your friend isn’t more sociable but the fact is you can’t force people to be what you want them to be.

It sounds as if your friend has a very tightly packed schedule. She works long hours and is studying for a degree. That’s a big commitment – so it’s no wonder she doesn’t have much spare time. It doesn’t mean she’s a hermit. She’s just doing what has to be done.

Try putting yourself in her position. If your spare time is limited and you have a lot of work to get through, it’s easier to just get on with it than to answer the phone and then feel guilty because you’ve spent time having a chat – and that essay still has to be written.

She does phone you back later in the week when she has time and clearly she enjoys your company when you go out. Don’t forget that.

You say that you have lots in common – so if you can try to be understanding it will show her how much you’re supporting her through this busy time of her life.

Right now she wants to get on with what she has committed herself to doing.

Give her the space and time to do that and when the work is over, she will be free to have more down time and fun with you.

Chances are she will be grateful that as a true friend you understood. It’s worth a try.