MONDAY OUR FIRST DAY WITHOUT FELIX
Organ donation made us feel we found a way for him to live on. It gave us an opportunity to make happiness come from it
When I woke up that first morning without Felix there, I was able to imagine how his recipient was. Had their surgery went well? Were they going to recover OK? What were they thinking right now? I feel strange when people say we are admirable to think of others during such a time. It never felt like we were being altruistic, we had selfish reasons too. It made us feel better. It made us feel like we were finding a way for him to live on. It gave us an opportunity to make happiness come from it all. It made us feel like he’d won. Because of it, we had something nice to think about for a change. We gained a lot. There’s also a strange amount of guilt that I feel. When I got the letter telling me a little about the man who received his kidneys. I felt awful. Because the truth is that if I had my choice, none of those changes would be happening for him. He’d still be waiting, still trying to piece his life around dialysis. With the harder things in life there will never be a happy option, just a least painful, and I don’t think that admitting that detracts from how amazing organ donation is. It’s just admitting to the humanity. And, it’s okay. After Felix had been taken to theatre, we went outside. When we went back to his room, we were met with one of the most saddingly lovely sights ever. The professional faces of the nurses (including our nurse that day who’d stayed late because she wanted to be there) and the other professionals who I can’t remember the titles of were all looking very human. With puffy, red, eyes and sad faces. They didn’t have a reason not to be upset by his bed any more either. The nurse Felix had that day came over to me with red cheeks and teary eyes and asked for a hug. I gave her the biggest one I could manage. Then another nurse came over and showed us that they’d made Felix beads of courage. Each bead stands for a treatment, or hospital stay. They even added one for parental courage which I had a good cry about. The organs that Felix had removed were his heart and kidneys. So they gave him the heart transplant bead. As well as every bead for strength, courage, and honour that they had.