I enjoy the free time stopping work gives me, but am I selfish if I don’t look after my grandkids?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

For many years I worked as a secretary with an engineering company and I really enjoyed my job. My family of two sons are grown up and married with their own children, whom I see every weekend. However, two months ago I was made redundant and, at first, this came as a blow. Then my husband and I decided that maybe it was time for us to do all the things we’ve promised ourselves for years – to travel more and to enjoy our hobbies of gardening and visiting friends. We’ve started doing that and I signed up for a day class at our local school to learn French. I meet my pals for coffee twice a week and life is good. But last week my son and his wife surprised us by asking if we would be available to pick up their daughter from school every day and to baby-sit their toddler every day as they are finding it difficult to pay the childminder. I want to help them if I can but there is a part of me that says this is “our time” to enjoy not working and have the freedom to do some of the things we’ve looked forward to for years. I love my grandchildren but am I being selfish and selfcentred in not wanting to be a full-time childminder? I really don’t know what to tell them.

Maggie says

I think you and your husband need to talk this out and come to an agreement which suits both of you.

Are you willing to look after your grandchildren for a couple of days a week, which would still leave time for both of you to enjoy your new hobbies and interests?

You have both earned your retirement and deserve having the chance to enjoy it.

Arrange a time when you can both have a full and frank discussion with your son and his wife.

You must be absolutely honest and tell them what you’re prepared to do to help.

Be very clear about this so they know where they stand.

Yes, your first instinct is to want to help out – but this won’t work if you end up feeling resentful that you have become full-time childminders.

It’s a very tricky and delicate situation and many retired couples find themselves caught between a rock and a hard place.

They want to be supportive of their family, but they also want to have a bit of time to themselves after a long working life.

You deserve it, so don’t feel guilty about not committing to taking on the responsibility of full time childcare.

Compromises are always possible and if you are all open and honest with each other at this stage, there are ways to work out what suits everyone.

It’s very important to think this through carefully before making a commitment.

Hopefully this will enable you to enjoy some childminding but still have time for you and your husband to make the most of your retirement.