I am finding it hard to accept that my husband died so soon. How can I move on with life?

Dear Maggie

My husband died suddenly of a heart attack six years ago.

He was only 44 years old and I have struggled since then to come to terms with the fact I am a widow.

I have a part-time job and the support of lots of good friends but I miss him so much. Somehow I just can’t accept that he’s gone.

How can I get over this feeling of loss and move on with my life?

Maggie says

I don’t believe we ever get over a bereavement, especially of someone very close to us whom we have loved so much.

We can’t easily leave behind any experience which has had a profound effect on the shape of our life and a new start can’t be put on like a mask.

Perhaps this is because we are the sum total of everything which has happened to us, both the good and bad, and we carry that with us forever.

Please don’t see that as gloomy – it doesn’t need to be.

We can all become stronger through the experience of living, loving, and losing but it takes time and there is no fixed time for that process.

So I suggest you allow yourself to feel what you feel for as long as you need to feel it.

Grief doesn’t go away – why should it? Yet it does change over time, to become absorbed into our lives and in the process it changes us.

Be gentle with yourself. Take things slowly. If you need to cry – cry.

If you want to talk to someone, think who among your family or friends would best understand what you’re going through.

I know this is a particularly difficult time of year for people who have lost someone close to them. It’s hard to be cheerful when you are feeling empty inside.

Don’t force yourself to be brave. Just take each day as it comes and let the healing process do what it has to do, slowly and steadily within you.

If you find this doesn’t work, perhaps in the new year it would be a good idea to go for grief counselling. It can make a big difference if you find a counsellor with whom you connect emotionally.

I will be thinking of you.

Dear Maggie

My husband retired this year. He’s around the house all day and quite honestly it’s driving me mad. He watches daytime TV for hours and lots of it is absolute rubbish.

While he was working he had all those plans about things he was going to do – work around the house and garden/hobbies he’d have time for/day trips we could make together to places we wanted to see. What has actually happened? Nothing. It makes me really angry seeing him sitting in his chair with the TV remote at his side.

Maggie says

I can understand how frustrated you must feel. You were looking forward to sharing quality time with your husband when he retired, but it hasn’t happened.

Hopefully he will soon get bored watching daytime TV and want something a bit more interesting.

You could suggest a health and fitness plan for both of you. American researchers found recently that people over 40 years of age who take regular brisk walks every day live longer than those who are inactive. The World Health Organisation suggested that those who did 150 minutes of brisk walking weekly could look forward to up to four-and-a-half years of extra life compared with couch potatoes. It could be a start.

Think too of suggesting a good film that’s on at the cinema. A meal out at a nice restaurant or a drive to somewhere interesting.

Be positive not negative in your suggestions. Hopefully he’ll respond.