My mum’s boyfriend is moving a bit too fast. What should I do?

Dear Maggie

My parents were happily married for more than 30 years, then dad developed prostate cancer and died two years ago.

My sister and I are very worried about how she has coped with being a widow. She hates being in the house alone and, although we both see a lot of her, we have our own children and we work full-time so that only leaves weekends to catch up with her.

A few months ago, she joined a singles club and met a man called Alan who took her out for meals, to the pictures and day trips to the seaside.

She seemed more cheerful and bought herself some new clothes. My sister and I were happy that she had met someone whose company she enjoyed. We asked if we could meet him and she agreed.

My sister and I have both had them over for dinner a few times and, unfortunately, we are now very edgy about this man. There’s something about him we don’t trust. He is evasive about his past. He is controlling of our mum and we were really taken aback when she told us he had suggested they move in together as the lease on his flat ends next month.

It’s all too fast. We can’t understand why mum just accepts everything he says. When I tried to talk to her and suggested she slowed things down a bit she got upset and accused me of not wanting her to be happy. That’s not true but I just don’t know how to handle this.

Maggie Says

You and your sister need to be honest with your mum. Tell her that her happiness is your first concern, but you just don’t want her to take this relationship too seriously too quickly.

It could be that Alan really does care for your mum and sees no reason to take the relationship slowly. Or it could be that he is trying to manipulate her and wants to take control.

If that is true, you have every right to want to protect your mum. After a long and happy marriage, she is clearly a trusting and loving person and is grasping at the chance of a relationship with someone whose company she enjoys.

There needs to be some frank and honest conversations with your mum. Let her talk freely and openly. Listen closely to what she says. Don’t be too heavy on the judgmental side. Hopefully she will realise that you and your sister are doing this out of love and concern for her wellbeing.

Try keeping an open mind about Alan. If he is a decent, responsible man he will understand your mum has two daughters who love her and care for her very much. If he’s not, then it’s good that he knows you are protective of your mum.

This won’t be easy but I hope your mum will understand you have her best interests at heart. That’s what matters most.