Resident agony aunt Maggie Clayton

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum of four, gran of eight and dear friend to many, Margaret Clayton’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to

Dear Maggie I am 37 years old, married and have two children aged 12 and 10. We live in a nice house, have no real money worries and life has been good to us. Then at the start of the year I became aware that my mum, who has always been very capable and confident, was acting a bit differently. She would tell me the same story several times. She forgot our daughter’s 12th birthday – the first time that had ever happened. I was due to meet her for coffee one morning at our regular cafe. But she phoned to say she couldn’t find what street it was in – even though it’s where we always go. That day I decided I had to ask her what was wrong and we had a row. There are times when she seems like her old self but every now and then things seem to throw her and she acts strangely. Last week I tried to talk to her. She got very agitated. It ended in a row. She screamed at me: “You think I’m losing it, don’t you?” I burst into tears, because that’s my biggest fear for my mum. Her father had Alzheimer’s and my poor grandad ended up in a nursing home. He had no idea who we all were when the family went to visit him. I couldn’t bear it if that happened to my mum. Maggie says No wonder you are feeling upset. There is nothing more stressful than seeing the person you love, changing before your eyes. Your mother is losing confidence in herself and trying to hide her “mistakes” from the people she loves. The ageing process can be cruel – physically and mentally we become less capable and less sure of ourselves. But there is a world of difference between that and Alzheimer’s disease. The kindest thing to do would be to set aside time to visit your mum. Ask her if she would be willing to let you make an appointment for her with her GP. Suggest going along with her. Memory loss is stressful for anyone, particularly those who have lived with a parent suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. Her own fears may well be making things worse. So try to be reassuring and positive. Your mum needs you to be strong for her right now. You both need to be honest with each other about your anxieties. Hopefully they are unfounded and once she has talked things through with her doctor, she may get her own confidence back. Above all, if you and your mum find that your close and loving relationship is restored, that’s the best way forward for both of you.