Do I tell my daughter she is being cheated on? It will break her heart

Dear Maggie

I have two lovely daughters in their 30s. My husband and I feel blessed that we have such a happy family life. Both girls are married and we have a good relationship with our two son-in-laws. Well, I thought we did until recently when my youngest daughter confided in me that she and her husband were “going through a difficult patch”. He has moved to a new job and is finding it difficult. He takes his problems home with him. They’ve been having some very heated rows and then he slams out of the house, leaving her in tears. I advised her to be patient, listen to what he feels about the new job and assure him that if he wants to move, then she won’t stand in his way. She said she felt better for telling me her problems and I thought things were improving. However, I got a terrible shock last week when I went out for dinner with my friend. As we were leaving the restaurant I saw a couple sitting in an alcove at the back of the room. It was my son-in-law, holding hands with a very attractive woman. He didn’t see me because he was gazing into her eyes and stroking her face. I felt shocked and sick. When I got home I burst into tears. My husband asked what was wrong and I told him. He was silent for a time and then he said: “Please say nothing to our daughter. It would break her heart.” I want to be honest. Surely my daughter has a right to know what’s going on behind her back?

Maggie says

You are in a very difficult position and it must be heartbreaking for you. Naturally you want to be honest with her but I do think at the moment it is better to follow your husband’s advice and keep your own counsel. By all means listen to your daughter if she wants to talk about her marriage, be there for her in every way you possibly can but, hard though it is, I think you should stay silent about what you saw. Clearly your son-in-law is cheating his wife and you will never be able to respect him in the same way again. Every marriage goes through difficult phases but your daughter loves him and wants to stay in this relationship. For the moment, be there for her when she needs to talk. This won’t be easy for you, knowing what you do but for the moment I think it is wiser to say nothing. Hopefully your son-in-law will give up this relationship with the other woman and he and your daughter may be able to work through their problems and save their marriage. Try to be strong for your daughter who needs your love and support. She may need it even more if the marriage ends. Whatever happens, your daughter will be relying on your support. I feel confident that you will give her the strength to get through this.