Resident agony aunt Maggie Clayton

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum of four, gran of eight and dear friend to many, Margaret Clayton’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to

Dear Maggie My husband and I only have one child. I wasn’t able to have more, but our daughter is the pride and joy of our lives. She is pretty, has a good job she loves, lots of friends and a boyfriend who adores her. We were delighted to be told recently that they plan to get married next year. Over the years, my husband and I put money aside for this special day. We both want to give her a lovely wedding and I know I’ll enjoy shopping with her for the dress and planning the reception. It will be great fun. Or so I thought until last week, when she broke the news that both she and her fiancé don’t want a white wedding. They plan to get married in a registry office and have a party for family and friends. “No frills, no fuss,” she said. “It’s just not who we are.” Then they plan to take three months off work and go backpacking around Asia. I couldn’t be more disappointed. I’ve dreamed of her wedding day since she was a little girl. My husband says to just accept it and let them have it their way. He suggests we give them the cash we’d saved for the wedding to enjoy on their travels. I really never imagined how disappointed I would feel and I just can’t hide it and pretend it’s OK. Maggie says I understand how you feel. Over the years you have saved and planned for this dream wedding for your only daughter – but it’s simply not her dream and I’m afraid to say you just have to try to accept that and come to terms with it. If you don’t, you risk damaging the good relationship you enjoy with her and her husband-to-be. There is simply no point in that. Try to share in the discussions about planning the sort of wedding they both want. Go shopping with her for the dress she’ll wear and ask her to assist you in choosing your outfit for the day. Keep things light, happy and positive. This is a special time to be savoured and enjoyed by both of you. Make the most of it – even though it’s not going to be the sort of white wedding you had dreamed of for your daughter. Talk to her about the countries where they plan to travel to on their honeymoon. Show an interest, get involved. This is what matters to them and it’s important for your daughter to know that you support them in fulfilling their dream of travelling round Asia. I think it’s very kind and sensible of your husband to suggest giving them some money you’ve saved for their wedding towards their honeymoon. It’s something they will enjoy and always remember.