I want dad to know how close-knit his family has become

Dear June

The loss of our dad brought my brother Rob and I closer together.

I had always been my dad’s girl since the day I was born and although I couldn’t see it growing up, dad was particularly hard on Rob.

This affected Rob throughout his life as he always thought dad didn’t care much for him, until a few weeks before his death.

Dad knew he was dying and told Rob many times he was relying on him to look after the family.

Does dad visit us at times? Can he see how close we are?

Kathrin, North Berwick

June Says

When we become parents for the first time, it can be a very daunting experience.

I admit to feeling a little scared on the day I was to take my son home from hospital. I would have been lost without my mum.

I get the impression Rob was your older brother and the firstborn.

Parents are always a little harder on the firstborn as they strive to get things “just right”.

Many want their child to succeed in areas where they feel they personally didn’t and unnecessary pressure can be applied without realising.

As I make my connection with your dad, I sense he was private and did not show emotion easily.

He was a reliable man and took his family responsibilities seriously.

However, irrespective of the way he controlled his emotions, I feel so much love emanating from him towards his family.

I get the strong impression he had issues with the lung area (COPD/emphysema) and he had been ill for quite some time before he passed over.

I also feel he deteriorated quite quickly prior to his passing, which was unexpected.

He remains close to his family and can see the close bond you have with one another. He shows

me two pieces of paper that were placed in his casket with him. I sense them to be letters written to him from you and Rob. He knows both of you have taken on the joint role of family leader.

He makes me aware of your mum, and I get the impression from him that she is a strong lady who seems to be coping better than anyone expected after his passing.

He admits to not being the most tolerant of patients during his illness but is proud of you all and surrounds you with his love.

VERDICT

Rob was the firstborn and I came along six years later.

Dad had been suffering from COPD for many years and we all looked after him at home.

He was a proud family man who didn’t like to show emotion.

Rob lived away but moved back to help with dad’s care before he passed.

Mum has been incredibly strong and we have grown closer since we lost dad.

His passing was unexpected. Rob wrote the eulogy and placed a copy in with him, along with a letter I had written.

Dear June

I lost my son six years ago.

At that time, no grandparents had passed and I wondered who would look after him as he was only young.

Eight months later, my dad passed because he wanted to be with him.

I need to know everything is all right and if they are together.

Do they visit sometimes? My mum can feel dad but I can never feel my son. We were so close that I’m sure he would visit if he could.

Sue, via email June Says

It is devastating for a parent to lose a child, no matter what age, but a mother’s grief is different.

Having carried a child, she feels like she has lost a part of herself. This will significantly ease through time.

Your lovely boy would have initially been very well looked after by those connected to you on spirit side.

Your dad and son had a special bond and are together now.

Both will make themselves known to you when your grief subsides and becomes less raw.

A parent and child connection is never broken, even after physical death.