Maggie Listens

Resident agony aunt Maggie Clayton

Dear Maggie

Four months ago my husband told me he was having an affair with a woman at work and after 10 years of marriage he wanted a divorce.

I was stunned because I had no idea he was cheating on me. He is now living with her. I have been trying hard to come to terms with what has happened.

This first Christmas without him is going to be difficult because we both loved decorating the house, putting up the tree together and having family and friends round for meals.

His parents have invited me to spend Christmas with them, because they too are hurting and can’t understand what he has done. But although I am very fond of my mother and father-in-law I really don’t think I can bear to pretend that I’m celebrating Christmas.

My plan is to stay home, watch TV, eat when I want and try to blot out the misery of the past months. I know it may be selfish but I don’t have the emotional strength right now to pretend that everything is OK when it isn’t. Am I being unreasonable?

Maggie Says

No, I don’t think you are. The shock of finding out that your husband was cheating on you, that the marriage you believed was strong and happy had reached an end, must have been a devastating emotional blow.

You have every right to feel the way you do. And you have every right to spend this first Christmas alone if that is what you want and need.

Your in-laws are clearly hurting, too, and it is kind of them to invite you, but the decision is yours to make.

Being in their home will bring back memories of happier Christmases together and I don’t think you’re ready for that yet.

There is still a lot of hurt, anger and rejection to work through – and in time I believe you will do that. But not this year.

So be kind to yourself this Christmas. Plan what you want to eat and what you want to watch on TV.

Give yourself a day to feel what you feel without pretence or having to make the effort to consider other people.

It’s not selfish, it’s sensible. You deserve a bit of “me time” so give yourself that gift and once you have got through this first Christmas without your husband, it will get easier.

Time heals but it’s a slow process.

By all means visit your in-laws when you feel ready for it but Christmas is a poignant season and this year you need to put yourself first.

I hope in time you will find a measure of peace and contentment – you deserve it.