My son’s visits have become less frequent. He says his wife feels that I don’t respect her
Dear Maggie
I have two sons. The oldest, George, is 34 years old and my younger son, Peter, is 26. Their father died when they were teenagers and from then I brought them up alone. Money was tight but I learned to be good at budgeting.
Both my boys went to university. George studied science and works in a laboratory while Peter did a language degree and now teaches French in a secondary school. I am very proud of them.
They both married girls I welcomed into our home and I have always felt that our family life was strong and secure. But in the past year there has been a change that I don’t understand.
Peter doesn’t visit me very often and I seldom get invited to their home by his wife, Susan.
I asked Peter last month if I had done something to annoy Susan and I was taken aback when he said: “She thinks you don’t respect her”. I was stunned and asked why she felt this way. He told me that I had started tidying her kitchen one day I was visiting.
I remembered vaguely what had happened. She’d invited me for lunch and the breakfast dishes hadn’t been done so I washed them and put them away.
The truth is she is a bit messy and I just wanted to help. What’s wrong with that?
When I tried to explain to Peter he said: “Mum, she feels a bit insecure, because your home is always perfection and you cook everything from scratch while Susan is quite happy now and then to rely on ready meals’.”
I don’t think its a crime to want to do your best is it?
Maggie Says
Clearly your daughter-in-law feels in some ways that she doesn’t have the same standards of perfection as you do and this makes her anxious.
If your son is happy in his marriage, it’s important you be supportive and tolerant of the relationship they have. That matters more than having polished furniture and freshly cooked meat and veg at every meal.
Try standing back and being non-judgmental. Appreciate what she offers for a meal. Resist the need to tidy away any mess. Talk to her about what she’s been doing and keep the conversation cheerful and non-judgmental.
The relationship you have with Susan needs to be worked on a little bit – so why not suggest you both go out for a day, shopping or sightseeing, followed by a nice lunch in a restaurant.
If you show willing to accept her and remove any hint of being judgmental, I think you will find she will greatly appreciate that and your relationship will become stronger. Think how happy that will make your son.