FUNNY HA HA?

Here are just a few of Gyles Brandreth’s favourite jokes as featured in his new book of gags that may be so bad they’re good...or just so bad.

A team of small animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning 2-0, but during the second half a centipede came on the pitch and scored so many goals that the small animals won the game. When it was over, the captain of the big animals’ team (a gorilla) asked the centipede where he was during the first half. The centipede says: “Putting on my boots”.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Mikey

Mikey who?

Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

A little old lady A little old lady who?

Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!

Why did the giraffe do badly at schools?

He had his head in the clouds.

What do you call a bear with no ears? B

What has four legs and goes “Oom, oom”?

A cow going backwards.

Which animal is out of bounds?

An exhausted kangaroo.

“Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!”

“Don’t be silly, dead flies can’t swim.”

Father Tortoise ordered vanilla ice cream, Mother Tortoise ordered strawberry ice cream and little Tommy Tortoise ordered chocolate ice cream. The family was just about to start eating when Father Tortoise said: “I think it’s going to rain. Would you pop home please, Tommy, and fetch my umbrella?” Off went Tommy. Three days later, he still hadn’t returned. “I think,” said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, “that we had better eat Tommy’s ice cream before it melts. A voice from just by the café door yelled out: “If you do that, I won’t go”.

“Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep.”

“Lie on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.”