‘Physically I was there, but emotionally I was so far away’
Steve Johnson opens up to Charlie Eccleshare about the traumatic year after his father’s sudden death
On May 11 last year, American tennis player Steve Johnson was checking in for an early morning flight at Los Angeles International Airport. His mother, Michelle, rang, distraught. His father, Steve Sr, his mentor and confidant, had died suddenly in his sleep. He had suffered a heart attack.
Johnson, a genial Californian and one of the tour’s most popular, hard-working players, was “extremely close” to his dad, a professional tennis coach who taught his son from the age of two until Steve Jr’s all-conquering college career at the University of Southern California.
After Johnson left university, his father went to most of his matches and proudly watched on as Steve Jr became the American No1 and world No21 two years ago (he is currently ranked No44). When Johnson struggled to make the transition from college star to professional, and considered quitting, it was his father who insisted he kept going.
Not long after, Steve Jr won a men’s doubles Olympic bronze medal in Rio.
Johnson, 28, has endured a very tough year, and – unlike most sportspeople constrained by their macho surroundings – is open about the emotional toll it has taken. When we speak, it is just before Father’s Day and a couple of weeks before what would have been Steve Sr’s 60th birthday. Amid the emotional maelstrom, Johnson is preparing to play this week at Eastbourne ahead of Wimbledon – where his father (below right) was always by his side.
As he reflects on the last year, Johnson talks candidly about his on-court breakdown and anxiety attacks – and the high of marrying his long-term girlfriend, Kendall Bateman.
Looking back on his father’s death, Johnson says: “I felt lots of different things: confusion, sadness, anger. There’s so much going on in your mind. Every week was an emotional roller-coaster. It was the hardest summer of my life.
“For most athletes, their profession is an escape from their home life. But, for me, dad is such a big part of my tennis career, so whenever I’m on court I feel like he should be there.”
Just 12 days after his dad died, Johnson was back competing in Geneva. He battled to the quarterfinals, and shortly afterwards beat Borna Coric to reach the French Open third round. But the weight of Johnson’s emotions became overwhelming. He fell to his knees after beating Coric and wept uncontrollably, explaining: “Physically I’m OK but emotionally I’m a mess.”
Reflecting on it now, Johnson says: “My body was emotionally spent. I’m not sure I’m ready to watch it [on TV] again. One of the toughest things was looking up and seeing my mum, sister [Alison] and fiancee – now wife – sitting there. But at the same time it was one of the most incredible moments of my life.”
After breaking down in tears again during his third-round defeat at Wimbledon by Marin Cilic five weeks later, Johnson was admitted to hospital.
“I got home exhausted. My body was tired, emotionally I was tired. Everything shut down. I had a horrible fever for a couple of days.
“It took until after the US Open [where Johnson lost to Kyle Edmund in the second round] to feel kind of myself again.”
There were times when Johnson could not bear to be on court: “I found myself not wanting to be there. I played [Gael] Monfils in Montreal last August and, out of nowhere, I’m just thinking all the negative thoughts of what had happened.
“Physically I was there, but emotionally and mentally I was so far away. It was tough to be on a tennis court. I just needed to go home.”
In February, Johnson had an anxiety attack at the New York Open. He managed to complete the match against Adrian Menendez-Maceiras – losing in three sets – but “felt like the whole ground was spinning around me, I was really short of breath.”
Johnson realised he needed help and began seeing a psychologist. “For me at least, you have to get it out and talk to someone to not let these things spiral out of control,” he says.
Johnson also speaks regularly to fellow American Mardy Fish, whose career was cut short by an anxiety disorder. Mental health in tennis is a taboo subject, according to Johnson. With every player looking for an edge, few are willing to admit they are struggling.
A Telegraph investigation in January revealed factors such as loneliness, the pressure of performance-related income and relentless, jet-lag-inducing travel hit tennis players particularly hard.
“I don’t talk about these things in the locker room,” Johnson says. “I talk about it with people close to me: coaches and friends.
“But if someone in the locker room talked to me I would be very happy to talk about it. If someone says to me, ‘You’re going through this’, I’d be like, ‘Yeah, let’s talk. I’d love to share my story’.
“A lot of people think we’re robots. But we’re human, we’re all going through something. It’s OK to show weakness as long as you’re finding ways to get better.
“People are brought up not to show weakness. It takes somebody with the courage to say these things publicly and then everyone feels like it’s OK to show it.
“You just need to take the time to ask somebody to see what’s going on.”
Johnson is keen to stress that over the past year he has enjoyed many lighter moments. One of the biggest lessons has been that “some days it’s OK to be sad, and some days it’s OK to be happy”.
In the space of “one of the best weeks of my life” in April, Johnson defended his title in Houston – the last event his father had seen him play at a year earlier – and then got married, with fellow players Sam Querrey and John Isner in attendance.
Now Johnson is looking forward to Eastbourne and Wimbledon, where he will be joined by his wife and fatherin-law. He hopes it will be less emotionally draining than last year but has learnt not to predict the future.
“I’ll take life as it comes and try my best whatever happens. I’m just looking forward to being back and hopefully I can do well and honour my dad that way.”
‘You have to get it out and talk to someone to not let these things spiral out of control’