FELINE PACIFIST
WE NEED A GOVERNMENT APP TO TEACH THE ART OF RASPBERRY BLOWING
My husband and I have been married for 52 years, and we have had many feline friends in that time. All have had their own personalities, but we have never had a cat as laid back as Neville. Neville is so benign that nothing bothers him. Everyone is his friend – or at least he thinks they are. A complete pacifist, he has never been known to kill or injure anything in his life. Once another cat brought a mouse in alive, and the mouse escaped and ran all over Neville. He never even moved. Neville could even make friends with birds. We used to open our garden to the public. As soon as the first visitors arrived he would appear and follow them around. Some attempted to ignore him; he would respond by lying down on the plants to get their attention. Unfortunately, his advancing years have brought with them feline dementia. He now gets lost around the house, and becomes very distressed when he cannot find us. But with enough love and care, we hope he will be with us for a long while yet. LIKES Smelling the flowers DISLIKES The rattle of plastic bags FINEST HOUR That is still to come BRENDA STUCKEY, EXMOUTH
Iam expecting, any day now, to receive an email from the Government, saying: “Oochie coochie, tickly wickly ickly woo.” This will be parenting advice, sent to me by mistake, instead of the reminder to get a flu jab or fill in my tax return. (The Government doesn’t seem to be much good at the technological stuff.) Under this new Cameron wheeze, text messages and email alerts will go out, with advice to new parents on breastfeeding, teething, tantrums, nappy changing and, Lord spare us, baby talk. Why stop at advice on parenting? What about a few tips on uncling and maiden aunting? An uncle would be given courses in risk assessment before bouncing his newborn niece or nephew on his lap. And, before he was allowed to do that trick where he opens his knees suddenly and pretends to let the baby fall, he would need to get a certificate of Proficiency in Dandling. The maiden aunt would be taught about early warning signs of increased activity in the nappy, signalling that it is time to hand the infant promptly back to its mother. Grandfathering classes should include face-pulling workshops and guidance on how to achieve the perfect raspberry. There will be no lessons in grandmothering, as grandmothers can’t be taught anything. Most of all, there must be Government-sponsored courses in friend-of-the-familying. There must be guidance on peering into a cot, and acting lessons so that you can sound sincere when you say: “Oh, that’s a nice name. Very original.” I hope the Government will devise an app so that when you hold the baby’s photograph in front of your smart phone or ipad it will instantly come up with a selection of 20 appropriate comments, from “look at that sweet little nose” to “she looks so serene”. Knowing the way Government technology operates it will probably add: “It’s time she completed her tax return.”