Forget it, I’m not a novelty father

The Father’s Day gift industry perpetuates the myth that men are all beer-swilling fools, says Jake Wallis Simons

I’m dreading Father’s Day. Not because of how my own family will behave, I hasten to add. If previous years are anything to go by, I’ll get some very sweet, handmade cards from my kids, a lie-in and perhaps a token present. Bliss. What I dread is the deluge of products that are designed as Father’s Day “gifts”, all of which are underpinned by one message: dads are idiots. It is a little-acknowledged fact that society is saturated by stereotypes of men as beerswilling, boobs-obsessed, barbecue-burning, homoerotic, football-crazy, emotionally illiterate, single-tasking, hypochondriacal, belly-slapping, belching Black ’n’ Decker airheads, with stiff upper lips and stiff lower members. No sitcom is complete without a character conforming to this stereotype. Radio or television debates about the battle of the sexes must include comments that support it, contributed either by the female participants or the uxorious male himself. And Father’s Day represents open season, at least so far as the commercial world is concerned. In a historical context, perhaps it is understandable that the sex that has been dominant for so long will experience a backlash when the balance begins to be redressed. But this does not make it any less galling. Here, therefore, is a list of archetypical Father’s Day products that no decent man wants to receive. Before you ask: yes, they are all real. Anything that can be described using the words “novelty” and “beer”, including beer glasses in the shape of a woman’s body; beer glasses in the shape of assault rifles; beer “helmets” complete with drinking straws; beer goggles; and beer bells, which you are supposed to ring when you fancy a pint. Because you really are that stupid. Anything involving the naked female form. This includes Give men a break: beer goggles and jokey slogans are rarely welcome naked lady mugs, naked lady cigarette lighters, naked lady beer bottle openers, naked lady golf tees (yes, they really do exist) and – most irritating of all – those. Ghastly. Aprons. You know what I’m talking about. Anything to which has been attached the prefix “man”. Man-tins (containing screws and things), man wine bottle stoppers, man-pants etc. Because he is man. And he no use grammar right. Any Father’s Day message based upon the famous wartime slogan, “Keep Calm and Carry On”. Men do not need to be reminded that we are expected to be emotionally dead, alcoholic and obsessed with pop culture. We do not need to be told “keep calm, we found the remote” or “keep calm drink beer watch footie”. Because we are not fools. Anything that encourages a grown man to dress up in fancy dress and – literally, in some cases – make a tit of himself. Jake Wallis Simons writes for Telegraph Men