COVER STORY
So the children have all grown up and moved out … what now? Anna Tyzack talks to empty-nesters making the most of their newfound freedom
Of all a child’s rites of passage, by far the most uncomfortable for parents is the day they leave home. It is an inevitability, of course, yet somehow, even after nearly two decades of school runs, homework and the general drudgery of parenting, it can come as a nasty shock. “You suddenly feel desperate to hang on to them; to feel you have a purpose,” says Ros Carman, a psychotherapist based in south-west London.
Yet life moves on. Rather than getting caught up in the gloom of empty nest syndrome once your children have started university, it’s far better to have a plan, says Harry Benson, founder of Marriage Foundation. “It’s a time of great opportunity – see yourself as a free bird,” he says. With the youngest of his seven children now 15, his wife, Kate, is reinventing herself as a potter. “We realised that we needed to think further ahead, so she did a foundation course,” he says. “She may go on and do a degree and afterwards she’ll have a new role.”
What if you don’t have any pent-up skills or passions to exploit? Learn something new, insists Carman, who was a housewife for many years before retraining as a psychotherapist when her daughter was in her teens. Studying, in her experience, can open up a whole new outlook. “You don’t have to do secretarial work down the road,” she says. “It’s your time – get the most out of your life.”
Contrary to what one might expect, parenthood won’t have addled your brain completely. Many mothers, the designer Susi Bellamy included, find that the years of negotiating with teenagers have developed their people skills and thickened their skin. Indeed, neurological research shows that the brain in midlife is more elastic than we give it credit for. “Short-term memory may decline, but we make better connections between what we retain,” explains the writer Annie Karpf, in her book How to Age, before reminding us that history is full of late developers. Winston Churchill became prime minister at 66 and Frank Lloyd Wright
‘I’m now doing something that inspires me, and I can be flexible with my time’
completed the design for the Guggenheim in New York when he was 80. Plus, you are no longer a lone ranger; your children will be pulling for you, if it g gets y you off their backs. They can provide invaluable assist assistance when it comes to IT and social media, boost your ego when you’re d dithering, and spread the word among th their friends. A new purpose does not no have to be a high-powered career. It c could be a new interest or qualification. R Rebecca Hoddinott, a housewife-t housewife-turned-pilates teacher, finds her midlife job much more rewarding than her previous career in marketing. “I’m doing something that inspires me and I can be flexible with my time,” sh she says. Flexibility can be a goo good thing, given that your children will probably still need you more tha than you think. Don’t structure yo your life around their phone ca calls and visits, though, as this is your time, sa says Caroline Clitherow Clitherow, a mother-ofthree t who has set s up a floristry business. “Re “Remember: life doesn doesn’t end when your c children leave home – it begins.” At least, that is, until unt the grandchildren arrive.