MODERN STEREOTYPES

The wellness hikers

Emily and Fiona intend to lower their risk of heart disease, boost their bone density and strengthen their glutes. They don’t know which bit of them glutes are, but strengthening them sounds better than making quince jelly, the other country pursuit currently on offer. Hiking involves new kit ( good: virtue-signalling internet shopping), and spindly poles, like langlaufing without snow, on which they will gratefully gasp and lean after climbing Chipping Mound. Emily says it is so good for their blood pressure; Fiona says her heart has taken up residence under her tongue. Neither have ever voluntarily undertaken a walk without the allure of shop windows.

Emily has embraced wellness, a word that grates on Emily’s mother as abrasively as “toilet”, and says that the more time one spends in nature and less with technology one is 50pc more creative with problem-solving tasks. Fiona really hopes this is going to help with doing her sudoku in the

Emily has trilled about blood sugar levels (they will be lower), quadriceps (they will be stronger if one can find them), and cores like titanium. Plod, plod, march, march. Fiona is in the slipstream of Emily’s diktats on low cortisol levels, improved circulation and pulsed electro-magnetic fields to calm anxiety. Both Fiona and the dog feel they’d be much calmer and less anxious in front of the fire. Fiona has just ordered the latest T P Fielden, A Quarter Past Dead. T P is the new Agatha C. Who’s to know Fiona’s guilty fix? Emily says hiking reduces over-thinking negative emotions.

Fiona’s emotions being wrung out like old knickers, she is interested in losing weight, although Emily telling her “The more you weigh, the more calories you burn in an hour” seems a mixed message. Two hours into their hike (800 calories) there’s a lot of “Isn’t nature wonderful?” and “We’re so glad we moved out of London, it’s so dirty now”. Yay! The gastro-pub is in sight and a husband can be rung for chauffeuring. Emily and Fiona are not bloody hiking back.

Fiona is in the slipstream of Emily’s diktats on low cortisol levels