The teenage dance
Daisy begged her parents for a party to celebrate her 16th birthday at their rented seaside cottage in Cornwall. “Everyone will be there, Mummy, and I want to theme it London Underground stations, I can be an Angel and it’ll be so fun. No trouble, we can dance on the beach.” “Everyone” embraces the contents of the south of England’s public schools; “No trouble” means Daddy (Tom) buying extra fire extinguishers and buckets for potential vomit and Mummy (Minnie)
producing soakage in the form of pizza, chicken nuggets and fish fingers. Bella, who has come with a beehive hair-do as High Barnet, politely asked if the fish was sustainably sourced? That was before she got at the Baileys Irish Cream Rollo borrowed from his parents’ drinks cupboard and buried in the sand dunes. Tom has made a pathetically weak Pimm’s and policed the lavatory cisterns for hidden bottles of vodka, a futile if well-meant effort since most of Daisy’s guests are pre-loaded, having bribed their elder siblings to procure booze at the Co-op: “Pleeze, pretty please? I promise I’ll clean your car for you.” The Trenchard twins were found comatose outside the fish shop after hitting the prosecco. Georgie Winslade is being sick (gin) into a potted plant – an enactment of Green Park?
Daisy thinks it is all being an awesome success, apart from Victoria making no effort at all, just coming as herself. And Orlando’s woofing toy dog (Barking) is irritating. Mummy’s idea of hiring Alfredo’s ice-cream van was very cool. Literally. Daisy is secretly glad Tom and Minnie are there, well, just in case. Minnie has nightmare memories of the boy who peed on the bucking bronco at the sailing club ball last year. Tom is profoundly grateful that they can hose down the white Scandi floorboards – they really would like to rent the house again next year if it survives the night. The bonfire on the beach, with bacon butties, has blessedly kept the young outside. There’s a lot to be said for the heatwave. Daisy’s music is, naturally, hideous and letters of apology will have to be written to the neighbours. But phew! Nobody drowned.
Georgie is being sick into a potted plant. Green Park?
Victoria Mather
There’ll Always Be an England by Victoria Mather and Sue Macartney-Snape (Constable, £12.99). Facebook/Instagram: @social_stereotypes