The parenting coach
More of us than ever are looking for help from life coaches, finds Tom Ough. So what do they really offer?
Life coaching has, for much of its formal existence, been derided. In 2012, a season of Peep Show, the Channel 4 sitcom, focused on ne’er-dowell main character Jeremy’s decision to set up a fraudulent and manipulative one-man consultancy; the joke worked well because the industry was generally seen as unregulated, wacky and of dubious necessity.
It’s still broadly unregulated, to be fair, but the other perceptions seem to be changing. The International Coaching Federation (ICF), which offers training to coaches worldwide, reports that it ended 2018 with 2,027 ICF members in the UK. That constituted a 19 per cent increase from the end of 2017, and a 74 per cent increase from the end of 2013.
A more dramatic rise is reported by bidvine.com, a tool for users to find local professionals, where life coach bookings made via the website almost trebled in a year.
Bidvine put most of that change down to young people’s disillusionment, and it’s true that misfortune is often what prompts people of any age to seek life coaching. Josh Dixon, a 20-year-old from Leeds, tells me that coaching helped him overcome severe bullying and eventually launch a career in consulting; Rick Hay, a middle-aged nutritionist, sought a life coach to help him cope with “a pretty crappy break-up and a high-pressure job”. The coach, defying the scepticism of Hay’s friends, “made a big difference. The coaching made me focused, look at what my core values were, and how to break down a problem and solve it better.”
Successes like these must have something to do with the rise of British life coaching. A Telegraph colleague, for instance, speaks glowingly of her coach’s impact on her. Maybe we are simply becoming much better at articulating our problems and more willing to seek help; maybe some aspects of 21st-century life are making us feel more in need of guidance.
In any case, that guidance is coming in increasingly specialised forms. Meet our four coaches, who between them cover meditation, intimacy, business and parenting.
If Elaine Halligan had her way, parenting classes would occupy the same place on the “to do” list of expectant parents as antenatal classes.
“I wish parenting classes were as socially acceptable and available as NCT classes,” says Halligan, who sought coaching when her son Sam’s behaviour was so problematic that he’d been excluded from three schools by the age of seven. “We still tend to seek coaching because there is a crisis rather than as a means to prevent that crisis from happening in the first place.”
On the one hand, as a parenting coach she would say that, wouldn’t she? On the other, when she talks about how coaching changed her family life, it will perhaps give pause for thought for any parent struggling with toddler tantrums, sibling squabbles or teenage anxiety.
“We were desperate for help,” says Halligan, who describes her precoaching self as a “shoutaholic”. “We’d talked to friends, family and teachers, and seen psychologists and psychiatrists. The one expert we didn’t see was a parenting specialist, and it was only when we did that things began to change.”
Halligan started working with Melissa Hood, who trained with Noël Janis-Norton, founder of the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting programme. The results, she says, were life-changing. “The skills that Melissa taught us transformed our lives,” says Halligan. “I used to shout, criticise, bribe, nag and repeat instructions. But once I learned to talk to Sam differently, things changed. We looked for positive behaviour, and used descriptive praise about the process of what he was doing, as opposed to the result.”
Halligan acknowledges that parenting “is not the only piece of the jigsaw”: Sam was also diagnosed with dyslexia and they found a specialist school, which also helped. But, she says, it’s a hugely significant one.
After coaching, Sam’s behaviour changed so much that he finished school as head boy. And Halligan, previously a lecturer in accountancy, decided to retrain as a parenting coach. Melissa Hood is now her business partner.
There is, however, still some stigma around the idea of coaching, says Halligan. “People are uncomfortable about seeking help and see it as an admission of failure, which it isn’t: parenting is tough; especially without the support of extended family, which many people don’t have these days.”
She believes many issues affecting young people – anxiety being a key example – could be prevented if parents get in there early enough.
“The signs are always there,” she says. “We need to be more observant of their behaviour and more connected.”
Elaine Halligan is the author of My
Child’s Different and director of the Parent Practice in London (theparentpractice.com; £195 for a bespoke parent session)
‘Seeking help is seen as an admission of weakness – but it isn’t. Parenting is tough’