We all need a little extra help...

Why more people are outsourcing domestic jobs, and how to make sure your relationship with a nanny, cleaner or gardener works for you both

Over the past five years, there’s been a boom in domestic staff; more of us are hiring cleaners, dog walkers, gardeners, tutors and babysitters to make our lives easier – even if the idea of paying other people to do the things our forebears would have done themselves doesn’t always come naturally. Research shows that one in three families now has some form of domestic help, while another study suggested that one in five young people is spending thousands of pounds each year on domestic staff. Nacho Carretero, founder of domestic staffing app, Kleender, saw his business grow by nearly 20 per cent last year.

According to Bryony Sullivan, of nanny and babysitter agency Likeminders.co.uk, the most successful domestic staff are happy to jump in and do what’s needed. “When I was a nanny, I was mum when the mum was at work; I’d iron her husband’s shirts and work outside hours if she had to work late.”

Yet just because hiring a cleaner or nanny is easy, it doesn’t mean we should take the relationship lightly, warns Sullivan. “You’re letting a stranger into your personal space: there needs be trust, kindness and flexibility on both sides.”

The home can be a tricky working environment, adds clinical psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd (drjessamy. com), as every aspect of your life is on show – underwear, mess, you on a good day, you on a bad day. “This is very different from an office, where your employees would more likely see a polished version of you.”

Respect, on both sides, is key to good relations, Hibberd says. “Boundaries are essential to keep the relationship on work terms, along with trust and good communication,” she says. “And don’t be quick to cast blame.”

Many domestic workers prefer to keep a distance from their boss, and this is fine, Hibberd says. Others will become your friend for life, albeit one you employ in your home. “If you clearly set out what the job involves from the start, and are always positive and appreciative, it won’t feel awkward when you need to give them instructions.” Just don’t expect them to read your mind, she adds – no one knows what you’re thinking unless you tell them.

The fact is that many of us find these relationships difficult, if not profoundly troubling. Those brought up with parents (a mother, usually) who did all their own housework may feel rather uncomfortable and anxious about giving orders in their own home. And all the more anxious if those orders are not being followed. “The idea of telling off my cleaner, or just pointing out that she hasn’t done something very well, is a nightmare,” says Naomi Brand*, a marketing executive and mother of two from Kingston in Surrey. “Sally is usually very good at her job, and we get on well, but she has a blind spot with cleaning the hob and I just don’t know how to tell her about it. My husband refuses to talk to her about it – he is always hopelessly awkward with her anyway. And so I end up doing it myself – nearly every week.”

A common solution, and one that is often applied in the more intimate areas of the household. A quick glance at one thread on Mumsnet reveals that those who clean other people’s houses and look after other people’s children for a living accept that there will be messy aspects to the job. Some kinds of mess, though, they should not have to regularly face. “Don’t leave your DNA lying around, nappies, sanitary towels, used tissues, etc!” one anonymous cleaner protests.

Most employers would not dream of such carelessness. Indeed, cleaning before the cleaner, nanny or household help arrives is near universal. “I tell myself that I am only tidying up, to make the nanny’s life easier,” says Anna Davies, a tech adviser and mother of three children under five. “But the truth is that the house is always in a terrible state after we have had the children to ourselves all weekend, and there are some things – lavatory things and beds, sometimes – that I would feel guilty about her having to deal with.”

One more very tricky area is honesty. The Mumsnet thread reveals that people working in our homes are very well aware when their morals are in doubt. “Don’t set little traps of money,” an anonymous cleaner complains. “We are not stupid.” And misunderstandings in this area can be devastating. “I had to confront our cleaner once when my a ring belonging to my wife went missing,” recalls Jonathan Bentley, a retired surveyor from Camberley, with a shudder. “She was horrified by the insinuation and insisted on joining in the hunt. Three awkward days later, my wife found the ring in her spare handbag, where she had almost certainly left it herself. But the relationship with the cleaner never recovered, and I still feel guilty about it all now. Awful.”

Such fallings-out are rare, and householders do not often have to pull rank. The “Upstairs, Downstairs” era is over (unless you’re an oligarch who lords it over a fleet of uniformed staff); nowadays, it’s an economic exchange, not a hierarchy. And it’s one that can lead to close friendships, just as in an office.

Jess Fordham, a barrister from North London, has become so close to her children’s nanny, Amanda Russell, that they work out together and go for dinner. She’s even written Russell’s dating profile. “The only thing I don’t trust about her is her choice in men,” Fordham says.

Is there a danger, though, that you can get too close to your cleaner, nanny or gardener? Alexa Ridley, of SortYourHelp.com, advises employers to respect their employee’s personal life and never encroach on their time off. It’s also a good idea to give back to the relationship: if they’ve worked late, offer them a later start; take an interest in their family and friends.

After three years in her job, Russell considers Fordham to be one of her most supportive friends, as well as a respected boss. “When I was ill, she drove 50 minutes to make me dinner,” she says. “I’ve never had a boss who is just a ‘boss’ though. It’s not like that when you’re working in someone’s home.” * Some names have been changed

‘Boundaries are essential to keep the relationship on work terms, plus good communication’