Dom is my stepmother’s half-brother’s half… oh, forget it

Modern families can be complicated. Matt Hancock copped some flak recently for paying tribute to his “stepgrandfather”, who sadly died of coronavirus, when actually it was his stepfather’s ex-wife’s second husband. I understand this, since I have a very confusing family. I use the terms “step” and “half ” in reference to my at the time. I was very into my pink pashmina back then.

I ignored James and, thanks to a very kind family friend (extreme nepotism is obviously terrible but in 2007 it was fractionally less of a crime than it’s considered now), landed an interview for the mergers and acquisitions department of Morgan Stanley. What I knew about mergers and acquisitions could have been written on a raffle ticket but off I went to Canary Wharf for three rounds of interviews, having unpeeled my pashmina and put on a terribly cheap suit from H&M.

Predictably, it was a disaster. In the first two rounds, I was grilled by several cocksure employees, exactly like the characters in and failed to answer a single question sensibly.

In the final round, a benevolent, older employee asked what mergers I currently liked the look of. Since the only piece of interview preparation I’d done that day was to glance at the cover of the I mentioned that I rather liked the look of the Mittal steel deal. “Why’s that?” he asked. Well, I crumpled like a sock puppet, didn’t I? “It just looks… good, like a good deal?” My interrogator kindly suggested I was in the wrong place, walked me to the lift and I never heard back, not even a no.

Perhaps they’re still mulling over my application, but if they ever do offer me a role, having watched the TV show, I shall tell them I’m jolly well not interested.

Industry, Financial Times,

siblings interchangeably, depending on who I’m talking to. When discussing Dominic Cummings recently, I told a pal he was my stepmother’s brother-in-law. Not strictly true. He’s actually my stepmother’s half-brother’s half-sister’s husband (these black sheep, eh?). It was just easier to say brother-inlaw. But you can see my, and Matt’s, predicament.