Why lockdown boredom can be good for your mind
Feelings of tedium are nothing to be ashamed of – the cure is to sit with them and give yourself space to find meaning, writes Philippa Perry
If you have children, you will be familiar with the cry of, “I’m bored.” Or perhaps it’s you who’s saying that? As a child, I used to be told that only thick, dull people got bored. Apparently the bright and intelligent are so eternally interested in something, anything, that boredom doesn’t get a grip. This did not make me experience my feelings of tedium any less keenly. But I learnt to keep them to myself and decided there was something wrong with me.
I grew up and escaped from such dogma. I now see what we might dub “boredom” as encompassing a broad spectrum of feeling, some of which I will talk about here.
I’ve experienced a type of boredom that borders on depression. It’s when I feel unable to connect with the people around me, or with any book, or idea, or media. It is as though I’m a worn-out piece of Velcro, with no hooks left to hold anything. It’s the type of boredom when everything feels meaningless. The cure is to find some sort of meaning.
This is different from experiencing an existential void. This is what happens if I do not automatically turn to Twitter or television when I’ve finished work and instead allow myself the experience of not knowing what to do. This type of boredom creates the essential space for any sort of creativity. Sit with it and see where it takes you.
There’s another type of boredom that can descend when it feels like choice is taken away. For example, you are stuck at the station waiting for your delayed train, or must do a boring task, such as school work you are not interested in. Studies have shown that after doing a repetitive boring job such as copying out lists of numbers, people were more inventive when it came to a creative task such as finding out different uses for everyday household objects. Tedium, it seems, can encourage your
Don’t tell your kids that we’re all in the same boat, it won’t help. Remember: connect, don’t correct
mind to wander and can also lead you to more creative ways of thinking.
Sometimes boredom is a feeling lying on top of another emotion that you don’t want to feel – for example, if you are bored at the bedside of a dying loved one. This type of boredom is often a defence against more troubled feelings such as despair. Some of us may think we are bored right now, but that might be a cover for the fear of Covid.
Let’s go back to your bored kids and telling them off for saying they’re bored. I’m sure that if you knew this could make them feel bad about themselves, you would not do it. So, even if you feel it didn’t do you any harm, it’s important to remember it may have this effect. I’m not suggesting you become an entertainments officer, but I am saying neither shame them nor try to fix them. What children need when they are having feelings is to be kept company, not fixed.
If your kid is bored, you can empathise and be interested. You can find out what type of boredom it is. Don’t tell them we’re all in the same boat. It won’t help. Remember: connect, don’t correct. Feel with them, rather than deal with them. When they feel understood and kept company by you, then you can get them to brainstorm about what to do. It’s them making the suggestions. Your job isn’t to suggest solutions but to listen and encourage. They may get stuck, and then you can say something like, “I have every faith in you that you will come up with something.” Sometimes for an idea to surface, it needs time.
Boredom is useful, as it is a clue that something needs to change. If we never felt bored, we would not know how to recognise our needs for, say, sustenance, company, connection or adventure.
You could also ask them what the boredom is trying to tell them. Working out what we feel, from that, working out what we want, and from that, going for it – is harder than it sounds.
The cure is likely to be a kind of connection. That could be to another person, to an absorbing activity that creates within us a sort of flow, or to an idea, or it may be a reconnection to oneself and one’s own experience that is needed.
If we sit with the boredom, our minds may wander and give us ideas of how we can use our lives, how we can make connections between what we already know and what we want to find out, and how we can find some meaning for ourselves. Without sitting with it, we are not giving ourselves that chance.
You or your child may instead reach for a short-term fix of playing with a smartphone. Getting to the next level on a game or scrolling through social media provides instant gratification – it may even become addictive. It can also be overstimulating, making us less able to explore what the boredom is telling us.
When I allowed my daughter to have screen time all day, I noticed she became listless. It’s not that screens are inherently bad, it’s all the stuff you miss out on when you are on them – being outside, reading, making things, practising skills.
When I took away the screens, I didn’t pretend it was for her sake. I told her that it was me who did not like seeing her merely being a passive consumer. It’s important when setting down a boundary with a kid (or anyone), that you define yourself and not them. So it’s, “I don’t like seeing you on your phone all day,” rather than “having too much screen time is bad for you”. It is much easier to hear someone describe themselves rather than tell you what you are like. After going through the boredom, my daughter was able to entertain herself in more creative ways.
If our kids see us solving our own lockdown boredom problems for ourselves rather than going on a screen, they will learn it can be done. If they see us getting a lot from books or from exercise, they’ll know they can too. If we start our own creative projects and become absorbed, it can inspire them. So when you next hear, “I’m bored,” rather than having a heart-sink moment, see it as a chance to connect, explore and create.