Life lessons: how to chase away those back-to-school blues

Months of closures and anxiety mean families must tread carefully when sending children back to the classroom, writes Sarah Rodrigues

‘Twas the night before March 8, and all through the house… parents were frantically ironing shirts, hunting for lunch boxes (fact: lids are to kitchen cupboards what socks are to washing machines) and cursing the fact they’d just bought new blazers last March, right before schools shut for months on end and children grew about a foot and a half.

Meanwhile, children, having become accustomed to only prising their eyes open minutes before online registration, and taking advantage of muted mics to wander out of class for snacks and unfeasibly lengthy toilet breaks, were in several shades of meltdown.

And frankly, who could blame them? Mondayitis; back-to-work or school blues; the post-holiday comedown – these feelings snap at our heels on a Sunday night throughout life, whether children are in the picture or not. Many of us even have residual classroom anxiety – who hasn’t dreamt of an exam paper written in an unknown language?

And then there’s the social aspect – the fear that everyone has been to a party to which you weren’t invited, or changed in unfathomable ways. Make no mistake: re-entry after a period of absence can be difficult, no matter how confident or composed you usually are.

“Human beings prize autonomy,” says Jessica Chivers, psychologist and developer of Comeback Community (comebackcommunity.co.uk). “Breaks from having to perform in a certain way, in a certain environment, can leave us reluctant to have to meet expectations again. Additionally, change, of any kind, can be difficult. As a return to prelockdown life looms, many will feel simultaneously eager for ‘normality’ and anxious about what that means.”

So, although parents and children alike have missed school and its many benefits, returning may well be fraught with anxieties.

Shaking off the languor of the summer holidays can be difficult enough, but such breaks and resumptions are in the normal course of things. The disruptions caused by Covid-19 are not – and, as such, come with different issues.

For starters, children of all ages have probably absorbed parental anxieties around lost learning and socialising.

They may have come to view schools as dangerous spaces; perhaps even hearing them referred to as “vectors of transmission” – which sounds pretty terrifying, even if you have no idea what the words mean. And, after months at home together, we may all experience a little separation anxiety – and, because young people so readily pick up on the cues of those around them, it’s important that adults check in with themselves and their feelings, says Alex Frenkel, psychologist and co-founder of Kai, an AI-powered personalised wellness companion (kai.ai).

“As on flights, adults must put their own oxygen mask on first,” he says. “They must ensure they’re in a good place, mentally, in order to be better able to support children.”

Sleep, he says, should be a large part of our focus over the coming weeks – for both parents and children.

“A good night’s sleep benefits concentration and a sense of well-being,” says Frenkel. Even for adults and older children, whose sleep patterns tend towards later bedtimes, habits should be regular and conducive to restfulness.

“Times for sleep and waking should be the same each day,” he advises. “Lower the lights and temperature, and aim for an hour of device-free time before sleep.”

As humans, we also have a strong negativity bias, says Frenkel: “Of the approximately 50,000 thoughts we have daily, only about 10,000 of them tend to be positive – so practices balancing this bias are helpful.”

One such way, which can be exercised by both adults and children, is recognising gratitude. To assist children with this, adults should instigate conversations, asking questions about the day, and proactively turning the child’s attention to what was enjoyable about it.

“This could be during a chat after school, or before bed,” says Frenkel. “Alternatively, making space in the morning to reflect back on positives from the previous day can assist with arming oneself for the day ahead.”

According to Dr Helen Maffini, director of MindBe Education (mindbeeducation.com), we must also recognise the “thorns” among the “roses”. “Acknowledging that things aren’t always great teaches us resilience,” she says. “All feelings are valid, and it’s normal to experience mixed emotions.

“If children are reluctant about school, reassure them that others are feeling the same way, and that reestablishing a routine may take time.”

Helen Spiers, head of counselling at Mable Therapy (mabletherapy.com), an online therapy platform for children aged six to 18, agrees. “Validate how they’re feeling,” she urges. “Telling them not to worry, or not to be silly, only diminishes their confidence about expressing their feelings next time.”

The landscape of playground politics is also an issue – indeed, I blushingly recall my daughter being late for her first-ever day of school because I’d agonised for so long over what I should wear. After months away from daily interactions, possibly fuelled by the medium of WhatsApp, with its potential for misinterpretations and misunderstandings, there is bound to be some awkwardness. “The glossies at my school gate will have somehow shipped in hairdressers and beauticians on the sly, and will turn up looking perfect, which will not help,” lamented one mother I spoke with.

Perhaps such concerns sound vacuous in the scheme of things, but social confidence has taken a hit in the past year, not only because of limitations on interaction, but also because of restrictions on what adults may usually do to feel good about themselves. And, as Frenkel says, it’s important to address your own sense of well-being.

“Do something that helps you into a positive frame of mind,” adds Chivers, “whether that’s exercise or meditation.”

And, just as we should reassure children that their feelings are likely shared by others, we may need to remind ourselves of that fact too.

“Try breaking the ice before Monday morning,” advises Chivers. “If there is a class WhatsApp group, message to say that you’re looking forward to seeing everyone. At school, shift your focus from yourself to others: smile and ask how they are – and give compliments, without putting yourself down in the same breath.”

It’s all rather nerve-racking but, if someone had told us a year ago that we – and our children – would get through a year like the one we’ve just experienced, would we have believed them?

As it turns out, we are wonderfully adaptable creatures – we’ve survived many a Sunday night and Monday morning, and our children will too.

‘Times for sleep and waking should be the same each day’