TIPS FOR THOSE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WIDOW OR WIDOWER

Set boundaries

Be very aware of your boundaries. If you can’t handle photographs of the deceased in your bedroom or their belongings in your house, then you must communicate that or it will fester in your relationship. Contemplate what you can and can’t accept then discuss that with your partner. Often it’s just that they haven’t realised the effect on you.

Communicate

All new relationships mean negotiating new ways of doing things, but a refusal to talk about the deceased person is not helpful. It’s possible to have more than one great love in life – ask anyone with more than one child. So, even if your partner still misses their first partner, it doesn’t mean they love you less – but you need to communicate your own feelings, which are equally as valid.

Don’t be a consolation prize

When someone dies they are usually placed on a pedestal. You can’t compete with that.

If you feel that you can’t live up to their image, are constantly compared and found to be second best, or your partner doesn’t seem to be able to move on, then perhaps that’s a red flag that they’re not ready for a new relationship. However, you may just need patience.

Patience

“It’s important for the person who has been widowed to have had enough time and space from their bereavement to be in a mindset where they can relocate the partner who died to a place of memory, rather than presence,” says Catherine Betley, founder and managing director of griefchat.co.uk. “That is one of the most difficult but important tasks of grief. We carry people we love with us, but they shouldn’t inhibit our opportunity to live life to the fullest extent that we can.”

For further advice: Professional bereavement counsellors provide bereavement support via webchat free of charge at griefchat.co.uk