Reality bites
Find out with Michael Hogan’s quiz whether ‘Big Brother’ or ‘Bake Off ’ is right for you
‘Big Brother’ or ‘Bake Off’ – which show is right for you?
Naysayers have long been sounding the death knell for reality TV but don’t believe a word of it: the genre is alive, kicking and all over the primetime schedules. Channel 4’s year-long survival epic
Eden is proving a hot talking point among the chattering classes, with the presence of home-made gnocchi and Berghaus outerwear making it a middle-class version of Love Island.
Meanwhile, another batch of publicity-seeking panto stars have just entered the Celebrity Big Brother house – the reality show that is to be watched only when stumbled upon, and even then with a hefty side order of tutting at the show-off awfulness of Christopher Biggins et al. And with the beloved Great British Bake-Off returning soon, it’s going to be a late summer feast of evictions, eliminations, feuds and flirtations.
Chances are at least one of these shows is a guilty pleasure – and if you have ever wondered how you would fare if you appeared on one yourself take this quiz to find out.
1 What would be your motivation for applying to a reality show?
A For the once-in-alifetime experience and a bit of a laugh. Hey, it’s only a TV show.
B To meet nice people and learn new skills (such as ballroom dancing, artisan baking, digging longdrop lavatories in the Highlands).
C Are you insane? Why on earth would anyone ever apply to go on a show like this? But, well, if someone else applied on your behalf, then it would be rude not to...
D To share your wicked wit and worldchanging wisdom, proving that intelligent people deserve some of the limelight, too.
2 What would be your strategy in the early stages?
A Take it steady, get to know people and hopefully make a few friends – a bit like a work conference.
B Make yourself invaluable by being useful: cooking, cleaning, becoming a shoulder to cry on.
C Lie low. You’re in it to win it. You are the tortoise, not the hare. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. And other such clichés.
D Say the unsayable and hog some serious camera time.
3 What would be your attitude to potential romance?
A Excuse me? Your elderly mum might be watching. B Nothing wrong with a bit of a flirt, but no funny business – what would the book group say? C Never say never. But you’ll leave any serious stuff until you’ve both left and meet again in the real world. Preferably at a boutique country hotel. D You really doubt there would be anyone there who would dare take you on.
4 What would you miss most while you’re on the show?
A Friends, family and your dog. B A G&T and some Waitrose nibbles in front of Endeavour. C A round of golf. A game of bridge. A spot of light gardening. Normality, really. D Nothing – way too busy bossing everyone around.
5 What do you usually end up doing at house parties?
A Chin-wagging about The Archers over the Aga.
B Fetching people more prosecco and filling up bowls with Balsmic Vinegar Kettle Chips. C Planning for an early exit so you can get home for Newsnight. D Holding court on the stairs. 6 What aspect of you might be most likely to irritate your fellow contestants?
A Your upbeat nature, refusal to discuss politics or religion, and reluctance to bitch about people.
B You’re always tidying up and you can be a bit nosy, too.
C Hopefully not much. Possibly your tendency towards over-friendliness.
D Never bothered about what people think, not about to start now.
7 What would viewers love about you?
A Your sunny smile and all-round decency.
B Your homely, nurturing nature and your recipe for an Ottolenghi curry.
C Not for you to say. You’d just be true to yourself and see where it takes you.
D You’d be the most interesting character on such shows in years.
8 What are your favourite mobile apps?
A Uber, WhatsApp and Facebook. B Sudoku, iPlayer Radio and Met Office Weather. C Spotify, LinkedIn and Words With Friends. D The one that you invented yourself.
9 When the show came to an end, what would you look forward to?
A Getting back for quiz night at your local. B A nice cup of Twinings and a homecooked Jamie Oliver roast. C A weekend of country walks, wine and loved ones. D Doing media interviews and probably getting your own column. Conclusions
If you answered mostly As, you’re...
The Normal One Next Door You’re everybody’s friend and the national treasure du jour – see Ben Fogle, Strictly’s Katie Derham or Nadiya from Bake Off. You’re a team player who throws yourself into tasks whole-heartedly, as your charity work attests. You’re self-effacing but fun- loving, happy to take a back seat at first but gradually come into your own as you get to know everyone. You’re genuine, so everyone will warm to you. Enter a reality TV show and you may land a book deal or TV travelogue series once released back into the world.
If you answered mostly Bs, you’re...
The Mother Hen Every group needs its parental figure and it would end up being you. You’d muck in with everything and soon find yourself doing most of the cooking, cleaning and organising – like the WI types in Bake Off or the campfire cooks in I’m A Celebrity. You’re practical and no-nonsense, with a wise head on your shoulders that earns respect. You wouldn’t win, but you’d get to the final and maybe get to snip the ribbon at a few village fetes afterwards, too.
If you answered mostly Cs, you’re...
The Dark Horse Quietly confident, self-sufficient, you keep your own counsel and are slightly above it all. But rivals beware: you’re a tough customer who’s not to be messed with, in the vein of Strictly’s Susanna Reid, Bake Off’s Ruby Tandoh or Anton from Eden. With your determination and dry humour, you could become a cult figure who’s (whisper it) in with a shout of winning. After the credits roll, you’d make carefully selected media appearances, but only if they make you appear even cleverer than you think you are.
If you answered mostly Ds, you’re...
The Loose Cannon Unpredictable and eccentric, you’re one of a kind. Remember The Apprentice’s Katie Hopkins or Lady Colin Campbell in the jungle? With no self-awareness whatsoever, you’re vocal with your opinions, however UnPC they maybe. You’re not afraid to tell the truth you see. Too divisive to win but, play it right and your Christmas annual Don’t Keep Calm Just Carry on Ranting might make it’s way onto the WH Smith bestseller list.