Revealed: the names in Juncker’s little black book

World exclusive! Today I can reveal the contents of the little black book in which Jean-Claude Juncker, the President of the European Commission, lists the names of people who have betrayed him. He calls this book Le Petit

Maurice and this, it turns out, is his “little joke”, because Maurice was a contemporary at school who grew taller than Jean-Claude and took every opportunity to mention the fact.

From schooldays Juncker also lists Mlle Pelissier, the geography teacher (unjust detention), and the driver of the 15A bus (incorrect change). A notable entry from his time in Luxembourg politics is René Schliessen, briefly Minister of Public Works (“failed to hold the lift door open for me”). Carla Fassbinder, a Luxembourg journalist, also features (“misspelled my name”).

After he moves to Brussels, we find he mentions a waitress in La Vache Triste restaurant (“funny look”) and the Irish representative on the advisory committee on shoe sizes (unfortunate umbrella incident). He also takes against one of several private secretaries to an earlier European president, Jacques Delors (“clammy handshake”), and a junior official from the British Foreign Office, named only as Wilkinson (“vulgar briefcase”). The Knokke football team also earned Mr Juncker’s displeasure (“pulling faces at me from team bus”). And there is an entry for the chairwoman of the Regulatory Committee on Grass Verges, who blocked his parking space on June 9 2001.

A couple of the names are indecipherable, obviously scrawled while he was agitated. It is just possible to make out how they caused offence. The first “won the Medal of the Order of the Silver Piccolo, of Amiens, the year before me. Also, his medal came with a sash”. Next to the second name it simply says: “More honorary doctorates than me!”

Finally, the official responsible for the seating plan at the banquet in honour of the vice president of Paraguay gets it in the neck for “placing me next to a boring cardinal”. “It is reported that there has been a dramatic fall in the number of barn conversions. It is no problem for us at the TV show

Grandiose Designs, as this week I’ve come to see Hugo and Daphne, who have successfully converted their suburban semi-detached house into a barn. I am particularly impressed by the eye-catching dung heap on the front path, Hugo.”

“Yes, we wanted to make a statement. I did a lot of research, looking into dung heaps before I settled on this one. It steams very nicely.”

“So this is your spacious living area. I love what you’ve done with the sacking and the cobwebs, and these straw bales make excellent seating. Tell me about the tractor, Hugo.”

“It took a long time to track down one that was suitably rusty and dilapidated and we are very happy with the pool of oil on the floor. We sit here in the evening and admire it. You’ll see some peculiar broken implements scattered about the place. We don’t know what they are, but we think one was for castrating bullocks.”

“Now, you’ve been very clever with the upstairs, Daphne.”

“Yes, we tore out the stairs and put in a ladder so it’s a proper loft with a pile of hay to sleep on. Eventually we plan to grow our own hay in the garden. We’ve also managed to get some rats, which produce a very pleasing scampering effect on the bare floorboards at night.”

“It has been quite a journey for you, hasn’t it?”

“Yes. It has bankrupted us, but we’re happy. We’re hoping to get a feral cat to have kittens in the downstairs space. Then maybe some bats.” What are we going to do with all this extra free time? Now that flossing has been declared to be not all that important after all, we will be at a loose end for about two minutes every day.

I am absolutely torn. Should I devote this bonus time to inspecting carefully between my toes, or adding a few paces to my brisk morning walk?

On the other hand, I could chew every mouthful 27 times instead of 23. I like the idea of sipping my one, possibly beneficial, daily glass of red wine a little more slowly. It would also be good to devote the time to reading. I could browse the small print on a packet of something from the food cupboard to check on the salt content.

Some experts say older people should hop for two minutes a day to strengthen the hips and prevent fractures after a fall. I think I’ll try that. It seems suitably celebratory. READ MORE at telegraph.co.uk/opinion