We’re expecting a fracas on Shocking Pink Tuesday
We are now getting close to the hullabaloo of Black Friday, which officially kicks off on November 25. In all this consumer hubbub, however, we should not be distracted from other important days at this time of the year. Let me remind you: Puce Monday (November 28) is the official start day for postmen to go on their rounds wearing Santa hats. Unfortunately, it coincides with the start date for supermarket check-out staff to put on reindeer antlers. Fights tend to break out between Santas and reindeer. Also, there may be some locking of antlers on late-shopping nights. Shocking Pink Tuesday (September 6) is when signs go up saying “Le Mulled Wine Nouveau est Arrivé”, even though it has been around for some weeks. This the day when the highest levels of the sickly-spicy aroma are recorded in bars and pubs. It can cause ill feeling between mulled wine lovers and real ale fanatics. The odd fracas may occur. Off-White Wednesday (December 14) marks the moment when Walking in a Winter Wonderland is the most-played Christmas song in all stores and shopping centres, upsetting devotees of Frosty the Snowman. Scuffles are likely. Beige Thursday (December 15) is traditionally the day when accountancy firms and investment managers send out large, tasteful Christmas cards (usually a Brueghel snow scene) to clients. There is tension in many homes over how prominently to display them. Khaki Saturday (December 17) is the day for buying Christmas trees. Arguments about lopsidedness occur. Many families go out and cut down their own trees in plantations. Peak time for axe murders. Magnolia Sunday (December 25) marks the start of the January sales. Some violence is inevitable. The chairman of the DH Lawrence Society says the author would have been amused that his childhood home in Eastwood, Nottinghamshire, may be turned into a beauty spa. In fact, the change could be startlingly appropriate. Scholars believe they have found the manuscript of an unfinished novel by Lawrence, provisionally entitled
Saunas and Lovers. It is said to be much steamier than Lady Chatterley.
It tells the story of Jack, the sensitive son of a miner who arrives at a spa to install a flotation tank and is powerfully attracted to a beautician named Annabel. I am told there are graphic descriptions of pampering.
I believe that one of Charles Dickens’s houses is now a charity shop. The lady who works at the till is a fussy but basically good-hearted spinster named Miss Twiddle, who lives in constant fear of the portly and pompous shop manager, Mr Willoughby Worple. The new assistant is Betty, a shy young orphan with big eyes. She doesn’t look at all well…
There are also certain property developers who think that Dr Johnson’s house in Gough Square in London would be a perfect site for a Starbucks. It would be fitting, in a way, as he was a coffee-house person. Nowadays, sadly, he wouldn’t find clever men and good conversation. Just people frowning all day at their laptops. It is easy to fall out with a travelling companion. Little irritations mount up, things get out of proportion. I know all about this, as I have just had an acrimonious bust-up with my suitcase. You may have seen last week’s report about the case that follows its owner around. It is being developed by Travelmate Robotics.
I managed to get hold of a prototype model and used it for some months, until the relationship turned sour. Certain things just got on my nerves, like the constant attention-seeking. At security checks, my case obviously revelled in having its contents rifled. I should have spotted the clues earlier – all those show-off labels it wore.
We were just not compatible. I liked the beach, but for the suitcase it was moan, moan all the time. The shingle was wobbly, the sand wasn’t right. At the outdoor cafés, it went on about how people were kicking it. In museums, we could only go on the ground floor with all the boring prehistoric stuff.
I consider myself to be a tolerant sort of person, but I just didn’t like the way it would go off with other items of luggage – including some dodgy-looking rucksacks – and not come back till the early hours. Finally, I’d had enough and I abandoned it on a carousel at Gatwick. Now I’ve taken out a restraining order to stop it following me.