Only those feeling peaky may queue for A&E

Forget about passports: there is a simpler way of ensuring that people coming from abroad don’t take advantage of our National Health Service without paying for it. It’s just a matter of getting back to basics.

The Health Secretary needs to announce that, from now on, GPs and hospitals will treat only traditional British ailments. I’m thinking of such conditions as feeling peaky, the old knee playing up, a tickly cough, being under the weather, some queasiness and a bit of bother in the waterworks. These are exclusively British complaints and they just about cover everything. Foreigners may get flu; the rest of us have a touch of the flu.

Over the years, we have taken our place in the waiting room, feeling not ourselves, off colour, a bit run down, off our food or having had a bit of a turn, expecting the doctor to sympathise and tell us to take two aspirin and come back in a week. Then foreigners came in, sat down next to us and passed on the melodrama bug. We started becoming convinced we had a rare allergy, an exotic variety of diverticulitis, a particularly interesting thrombosis, or some other attentionseeking ailment. We began to bandy about the word “chronic”.

So now we must get back to the stoicism (and the euphemism) of the time when the NHS was founded. Obviously, now there are many British people who have acquired a taste for un-British melodrama with their ill health and like a bit of a show to go with their complaint. That is what the private sector is for.

Under the new regime, hospital A&E departments would deal only with British accidents – such as mishaps arising from etiquette misunderstandings in revolving doors, choking on toast and marmalade or the occasional fishbone, an ingrowing toenail borne for 15 years but now causing “something of a twinge”, tennis elbow, housemaid’s knee and the results of various accidents with umbrellas. Ambulances would be told to turn off their sirens to avoid a fuss. In our neighbourhood – and in many others – there seems to be a sudden and dramatic boom in the housing market, with clusters of estate agents’ boards going up all along the street. Look more closely, and you see that these boards are actually advertising Christmas fairs at local primary schools, which are sponsored by various estate agents. One of these days, I’m sure, they will sponsor the nativity plays, and I’ve been wondering what they would be like.

The child narrator steps forward and says: “And there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should pay stamp duty.” Then the whole school sings: “O Little Townhouse in Bethlehem.” Three Wise Prospective Buyers enter. “We come bearing gold, frankincense and myrrh as deposits on properties we may buy to let,” they chant in unison.

Meanwhile, shepherds are abiding in a field watching over their sheep and also looking for houses on Zoopla. Suddenly there is a bright light and John, from the estate agents Luke, Mark & Matthew, appears unto them and says: “Behold, I bring you glad tidings of an affordable housing development in Bethlehem which is the new property hot spot.” The shepherds cry: “Thanks, John, you’re a star,” and they rise up and follow him.

A first-time buyer and his pregnant wife are also making their way to Bethlehem, hoping to make an offer on an inn. Alas, when they get there, they discover it is being tastefully converted into a spacious executivestyle dwelling and is well out of their price range. The owner of the inn gives them tidings of a stable conversion situated not far away. It has a second bedroom, which could be a nursery, and it affords easy access for hoofed animals. It is available for immediate occupancy, so they move in. The Wise Prospective Buyers, the shepherds and some cattle arrive to look round and they say: “Verily, this ticks all the boxes.” And they rejoice. After Yuppies, Nimbys, Wasps and the rest of them, the latest acronym off the production line is Jams, standing, of course, for “just about managing”. A lot of clever people must have been employed to dream this one up, in the belief, I suppose, that you can solve a problem by sticking an acronym on it. I am a member of a group known as Juathas – just about up to here with acronyms. We are affiliated with the Yadims (your acronyms don’t impress me) and also the Amaels (against messing about with the English language.) I also happen to be founder and life president of Cram– can’t remember what acronyms mean.