Rear ends of pantomime horses are kicking up

This is turning out to be the restive season. Everywhere we look there are strikes or threats of strikes. Right now, efforts are being made to resolve the dispute which has been disrupting one-horse open sleigh rides, as the Amalgamated Society of Jinglers (ASJ) resists plans to allow sleigh drivers to take on the task of jingling the bells. They say it is a safety issue, that drivers should not be distracted by jingling duties while dashing through the snow. “You wouldn’t say ‘oh what fun’ if a sleigh overturned,” an ASJ spokesman told me.

There is unrest among Santa’s elves. They all have zero hours contracts and, as they are classed a selfemployed, they have no rights to holiday or sickness pay. They say they have to work up to 18 hours a day in freezing conditions to make a decent living. The reindeer are also in dispute, protesting that they no longer receive the “antler bonus” and satnav makes red noses redundant. Fairies on top of Christmas trees are demanding better terms from the Bauble Control Board (BCB), pointing out that they have to work at considerable heights and in constant danger of electrocution. Injuries to fairies from toppling are said to have increased by 14 per cent in the past five years.

Talks between pantomime dames and theatre managements have now broken down. The dames complain that managers have failed to address very real transgender issues and also have not responded to a demand for a 5 per cent pay increase. “They have adopted an ‘oh no we can’t’ attitude,” a source in Jack and the

Beanstalk told me. If no settlement is reached by next week, the dames will down petticoats. Meanwhile, rear ends of pantomime horses fear that management are planning to impose a “front end only” policy. New Year could be ruined for thousands of people if militant astrologers carry out their threat to make a mockery of the 2017 forecasts by boycotting Saturn. Sagittarians will be particularly hard hit by this.

Our Trouser Correspondent, A J Pinstripe, writes: “Last week’s debate about what Theresa May chose to wear for a photo-shoot shows that trousers are likely to be at the very top of the political agenda for some time to come. Here are my predictions for crucial trouser-related events in 2017:

“The Liberal Democrats will tear themselves apart over the vexed issue of turn-ups or no turn-ups, with party leader Tim Farron attempting a compromise by appearing with a turnup on just one leg.

“After months of turmoil in the Labour party, Jeremy Corbyn will be forced to make a ruling on the correct ‘socialist’ number of pockets in members’ combat trousers and whether knee-length shorts are fascist. The Ukip conference is likely to pass a motion backing hound’s tooth checks.

“Meanwhile the Tories will be embarrassed by the ‘Corduroygate’ scandal, when it is revealed that the crushed raspberry and mustard coloured corduroys worn by Tory MPs at weekends have contributed massively to global warming.

“A group of women in politics, exasperated by comments on what they wear, will form the Monster Raving Loon Pants Party. And in a by-election, the independent candidate calling for the restoration of old values and fly buttons will perform alarmingly well, coming second and causing all parties to rethink their policies on zips.”

What will be the number one Christmas song this year? One of the favourites must be the choir of Fishmongers’ Wives with their charity single Let’s Make the World a Much

Nicer Place. However, the Bus Drivers’ Aunts will be in strong contention with Hold Tight to Hope. They could still be pipped by the poignant number from singer-songwriter Shirlee, Why Won’t They Tell Me What

Happened to That Donkey?

This could be the year for public school boy duo Jake and Ben who have come up with a bouncy offering called We Pulled a Cracker and My Heart Broke. There always has to be a comedy number in the mix and, this year, the betting is on EastEnders extra Wayne Stripe and Mum Thought the Brandy Butter Was Goose Fat.

It would be a great comeback story if 1970s rock legend Stan Umbrage could come out on top after years of drug, alcohol and Pringles abuse. He has teamed up with the survivors of his old backing group to give us Gotta

Shocking Rocking Stocking. There is also heavy betting this year on country singer Bobby-Lee Stump and Is That a Snowflake in Your Eye or Are You

Cryin’? And finally we have the choir of St Jennifer’s primary school, in Nuneaton, and My Very Special Christmas Tantrum.