A Prada pointer is the perfect pedigree chum
Apparently, French bulldogs are popular because so many celebrities choose to own them. The French bulldog doesn’t actually do much, except be carried around by a celebrity and have its photo taken. It is also said to be high maintenance – i.e. French. The Holy Grail for dog breeders is a celebrity pet, which is also a working dog. They have experimented with a prettified collie, which can round up cameramen and keep over-eager fans at bay, and they have also been working on a type of retriever, such as a springer spaniel, which will dash back into a restaurant or a party and fetch the Givenchy scarf you left behind.
Now, at last, they believe they have created the ideal celebrity working dog. It is called a Prada pointer and it is a handbag-gundog cross. It has been hailed as the perfect A-list breed, smaller than the usual pointer, but just as sleek. When it is in the arms of its celebrity owner and it spots a nearby camera, it immediately turns its head to show its best profile and then freezes. If a Prada pointer catches sight of a nonentity, it instantly turns its head away and pointedly cuts him dead.
The Prada pointer has a quiet but distinctive bark; instead of “woof-woof,” it goes “mwah-mwah”. The Kennel Club has not yet officially recognised this new breed. It may be unaware of the fact that this new breed has yet to make up its mind as to whether it will recognise the Kennel Club. It is nervous of associating with riff-raff, such as the Jack Russell terrier or tiresome social climbers, such as the miniature poodle. If the Prada pointer does choose to join the Kennel Club it will probably insist on a roped-off VIP area. I wanted to write a tribute to the ham sandwich, following the news that it is the most popular lunch for those who get into the habit of having the same thing every day. Unfortunately, I hit a snag with Simon, my new sensitivity reader.
When I learnt that authors in America are hiring sensitivity readers to check their manuscripts for anything that might offend the easily offended, I knew I just had to have one.
Simon pointed out that a number of religions were not happy with ham and also that there were an awful lot of touchy vegans around. Some other sandwich filling might be less controversial. Eventually he allowed me to keep the ham in the sandwich, but I had to include a disclaimer. Then he wanted to know if the ham was from outdoor-reared pigs and the bread was gluten-free. “It’s just the ‘idea’ of a ham sandwich,” I said. “A representative of all ham sandwiches in the world.” Simon then said actors could react badly to the word “ham”. Equity might issue a statement.
I suggested an avocado sandwich as a compromise, but Simon said there might be class issues. “Shall we make it cheese and pickle?” I suggested. “Or would that offend ploughmen?” Simon said he did not like my tone. He was offended at the way I sighed over the outdoor-reared pigs thing; he said I rolled my eyes and my body language was negative. I just happened to mention that I thought he was being over-sensitive, and that’s when he stormed out. Academics seem to be lining up to conduct research into the British Queue. There was another one last week. It would be more rewarding to consider the British Waiting Room. I have lately become a connoisseur of waiting rooms in hospitals, GPs’ surgeries and at the dentist and I have some suggestions for areas of research: 1. Seating arrangements. Who do we avoid sitting next to, the obviously infectious or the potentially talkative ? Do we pick a secluded spot or a seat close to the action, where a nurse may eventually appear and call out our name? 2. TV in waiting area. There’s always a chirpy daytime programme about property deals with the volume loud enough to be distracting, but too soft to follow the plot. Does the entire audience of these programmes consist of anxious and distracted people in waiting areas? 3. The two waiting room types: those who do the Sudoku and those who sit bolt upright and, as watchful as meerkats, strain to hear the summoning nurse mis-pronounce their name. 4. The sly art of the person who wilfully misunderstands the numbered ticket system and gets seen before you. 5. In the history of the NHS, has any patient ever been called a moment sooner by staring hard and pleadingly at a passing nurse?