Jumpsuits at Royal Ascot? Whatever next?
Following the revision of the dresscode to attract youthful racegoers, Michael Hogan has some further suggestions…
The Queen’s favourite race meeting, the 210-yearold social season fixture Royal Ascot, has announced that it will target the festival generation this year with a new area aimed at twenty- and thirtysomething racegoers.
We saw the first hint of this fest-over when Ascot’s organisers released its latest style guide for racegoers last week and it included jumpsuits. Yep, you heard that right: jumpsuits will now be permitted in the Royal Enclosure, the event’s most elite area and the section where you’ll find the Queen and other members of the Royal family. Given that the last major fashion change to be made to the dress code was the trouser suit in 1971 this is Big News.
As well as the permitting of jumpsuits, the Village Enclosure, billed as a “pop-up summer scene”, will also stay open for night-time partying after the races have finished, with streetfood stalls, cocktail bars, DJs and live bands. Which makes us think they are really serious about getting into the festival vibe this year. But if Royal Ascot 2017 really wants to attract this kind of crowd, here are the other things they should be doing… 1 Make senior royals wear Hunter wellies and hotpants Sorry, Your Majesty. To properly embrace the festival spirit, the pastel coats must go. Instead, you need to encourage a Kate Mossapproved festival uniform of cut-off denim shorts and Hunter wellies. For full effect, team with an insouciant pout, ever-present cigarette and elegantly wasted rock star paramour (though Prince Harry will do). 2 Portaloo queues A key part of any festival experience are the nose-wrinkling, leg-crossing toilet facilities. Ascot racecourse should close all its proper WCs and replace them with an inadequate number of chemical toilets, so that long, snaking queues form. Even in the Royal Enclosure. Sorry again, Your Majesty. Maybe your loyal subjects will let you jump the queue?
3 Lauren Laverne to host the television coverage instead of Clare Balding
We realise that Balders, by broadcasting law, must anchor every sporting event in the television calendar, but she’s too jolly hockeysticks for the rebooted Royal Ascot “festival”. Send for Lauren Laverne, Jo Whiley and Gemma Cairney instead. They can fill the links between races by sitting on haybales and talking about “vibes”.
4 Horses to swap blinkers for Ray-Bans
Much more rock’n’roll equine eyewear.
5 Ticket-buying process to be super-stressful
Race organisers needs to put tickets on sale at an inconvenient hour – say, early on a Sunday morning or midnight midweek – and sell out within minutes, while potential punters tear their hair out in frustration over crashing websites, unwieldy registration processes and being put on hold for hours.
6 Jockeys to wear tie-dye silks and harem pants
The diminutive daredevils must put away the riding boots, jodhpurs, caps and candy colours. From now on, it’s tie-dye tops, harem pants, stinky Birkenstocks and straw Stetsons. And they’re off!
7 Guy-rope obstacle course erected
There’s no camping at Royal Ascot, thankfully. Instead, race organisers should string tent guy-ropes across pathways, so tipsy revellers can repeatedly trip over them and shout “Sorry!” at nobody in particular.
8 Berkshire phone masts to be taken down
“Patchy” (meaning nonexistent) mobile reception is a must for festival authenticity. Cue people losing their mates and wandering around the site staring at their smartphone screen, because they’ve heard you might get one bar of reception at the top of a hill.
9 Bookies to install sound systems
Every clothes stall, cider bus or burger van at a rock festival plays music. Someone will always be drunk enough to dance to it, rather than walk a few yards further to see the proper acts. At Ascot, on-course bookmakers should blare out compilation CDs through a tinny speaker. Bonus: their tic-tac hand signals will look like they’re raving.
10 Rain machines to be deployed if necessary
Festivals mean mud, so if the sun shines on Ascot this year, man-made intervention is required. Hoses, water cannons and rain machines should be placed on standby. Once the site has become a squidgy, treacherous mudbath, groundskeepers should sprinkle straw on top. It will make no discernible difference but at least horses can snack on it.
11 Two big races to run concurrently
At festivals, sod’s law dictates that your favourite bands play at the same time on different stages. Royal Ascot can recreate this by scheduling two showpiece races at the same time, so punters agonise and argue over which one to watch.
12 No curfew for small children
Feral, face-painted kids are allowed to stay up way past their bedtime, while their intoxicated parents shrug indulgently and everyone else disapproves.
13 Awkward appearance by politicians
A chino-clad MP should arrive on-site for a photo opportunity to show how “with it” they are, before fleeing back to Westminster as fast as possible.
14 Style pundits to put the ASOS into Ascot
It’s TV tradition that a fashion expert be added to the commentary team for Royal Ascot – formerly Eve Pollard, nowadays Gok Wan. At the reinvented race meeting, they should stop analysing posh frocks and fascinators. Instead, punditry should focus on the hipster beards, flower crowns and sparkly make-up that will no doubt all follow now they have allowed jumpsuits on the style guide.
15 Entry by wristband only
No more paper tickets or lanyard passes for Ascot-goers. They must now gain access with an official wristband, which soapdodging students can leave on for months after the event to show “they were there, man”.
16 Good-ole-days moaners
A key part of the festival ambience is veteran punters complaining that the occasion has “sold out”, “forgotten its roots” and “got too corporate”. At Ascot, that means middle-aged race-lovers horrified at all these newfangled innovations to attract young blood. Which is fair enough, quite frankly.