The Archimedes headline displaces the space left for it
Archimedes could surely come up with some principle to cover this situation. Objections have been raised to a 9ft nude sculpture of the great mathematician standing at the roadside in a Hampshire village. Some say it is out of character with its surroundings, but the main argument is that it will distract passing motorists.
I suppose they must be referring to the Archimedes Hypothesis, which states that a Nissan driver overtaking a naked sculpture at 35 miles per hour will be distracted from his texting for a period of one tenth of a second for every six square inches of the figure’s exposed private parts. A more dangerous situation is suggested by the Archimedes Proposition, which suggests that a motorist catching sight of a nude Greek mathematician will be concentrating on remembering what the Archimedes Principle actually says. This continues for the next to 15 to 49 yards, depending on what grade they got in GCSE maths. The Archimedes Surmise can be expressed in the formula: NSxD= D x(erb+sla) +gib ÷ 100. (Where NS equals nude sculpture and D is level of distraction, erb stands for enormous roadside billboard, sla is suntan lotion advertisement and gib is girl in bikini.) There are situations when nudity can actually improve the motorist’s concentration on driving. The Archimedes Conjecture states that, when a mother is driving her children to primary school, the sight of a naked sculpture, can silence the children in the back seat for up to 14 yards. The Archimedes Wild Guess clearly indicates that an abstract sculpture is far more distracting than a nude. It states that a 12ft jagged metal structure, labeled “Untitled”, at the roadside will cause a Peugeot to swerve to the left, a BMW to veer to the right and an infuriated Range Rover to accelerate to 70 mph. The local council in Hampshire is to decide on the Archimedes dispute. As everyone knows, when a council is immersed in a liquid the weight of the liquid displaced will equal the total weight of all the councillors.
Catherine Zeta-Jones has kindly offered her Instagram followers a glimpse inside her bathroom cabinet with its extra-neat rows of her face and body essentials, estimated to be worth £2,000. There’s Rhonda Allison Cucumber Spritz, an Anti-Glycation Serum, Revitalash Advanced eyelash conditioner, Argan oil and all manner of creams, from energising to antiwrinkle.
After reading the list, it occurred to me that Telegraph readers might like to take peek into my fridge. The contents are set out in a charmingly random way. There is, for example, a small bowl of mashed potato left over from the week before last. This makes a very effective face mask. Ignore the curling single rasher of streaky bacon and admire the jar of pickled onions, bought on a whim last November. Pickled onions are a soothing moisturiser when placed on the eyelids.
On the shelf above you will see goose fat, which is very good for roast potatoes and even better as an antiageing cream. I forget why I bought the jar of harissa paste, but it is perfect for highlighting the cheekbones while also giving the face an energising tingle. Part of my beauty regime is to stand in front of my open fridge for five minutes every morning. I swear the rays from the fridge’s interior light do wonders for tautening the neck muscles.
We are told that a type of large amorous Spanish slug is menacing this country. It is Arion vulgaris and it is six inches long. The fear is that it will mate with its British counterparts and will produce a super-slug, which will consume everything in its way. When I first read that this Spanish visitor was amorous I imagined a romantic mollusc, serenading the seedlings, drawing heart symbols in slime on the ground and, when spurned by the object of its love, threatening to hurl itself into a saucer of beer. Alas, I’m afraid that the hermaphrodite Arion vulgaris has come here, to put it bluntly, on the pull. It will debauch our demure native slugs and, after that, it’s a case of lock up your lettuces.
Last week we also discovered that the waxworm is capable of consuming plastic bags at a tremendous pace. This must be good news, unless, of course, if it catches the eye of a passing lascivious Spanish slug. Then we may have super waxworms lying in wait in supermarkets and capable of chomping through your bag-for-life in no time at all.