Dieters who throw their weight around are a menace
Life in our town centres becomes unbearable at this time of year as groups of dieters tumble out of fitness clubs and roam the streets talking loudly about their new weight loss programmes. People going about their business are buttonholed by strangers breathing chlorophyll into their faces and going on about “only three-syllable carbs on Tuesdays”. Fights break out between pro-alkalines and anti-alkalines and those who will eat only unpronounceable berries.
Now, at last, something is being done about this menace. Councils are setting up Mobile Verbosity Units (commonly known as Thin Tanks) where people who have over-indulged in talking about their new diet can go and sit quietly until they have calmed down. These units are staffed by teams of NHS good listeners who are trained to spot when bingeing on weight loss talk can actually lead to the dangerous condition of dietetica verbosa.
Thin Tanks also take the pressure off A&Es, which see fewer people injuring themselves keeling over with boredom as someone tells them they eat only the outer, gritty leaves of unattractive plants. They also have fewer patients who have lost the will to live after being over-informed about calories.
Researchers are now concerned about “passive dieting”. You may, for example, be in a restaurant listening to the conversation of a pair of nearby dieters. One of them triumphantly reveals that it’s not enough to avoid additives, you have to go even further and consume the new wonder ingredients known as subtractitives. These can only be found in tasteless, endangered lichens that grow in an inaccessible part of Finland. At this point, you dash outside, determined to end it all by hurling yourself into the path of an oncoming jogger.
In the streets of Hampstead, in north London, the plaintive cry has gone up: “We must have more ponds.” A ruling that transgender women will be allowed to use the Ladies’ Pond on the Heath, said to be frequented by Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham Carter, has apparently distressed some regular users. In terms of ponds, Hampstead is clearly deprived. Apart from the Ladies’ Pond there is just one other, for men, and one for mixed bathing. Now enterprising local firms, such as Bespoke Ponds, Artisan Mini-Lakes and the Free Range Pool Corporation, are digging up the Heath to satisfy this long-felt need. The trouble is, every newly dug exclusive pond generates erates a demand for another one.
The Authors’ Pond suffers an invasion of writers of non-fiction and there is upset, so there has to be a separate, strictly non-fiction one. Oboe players are spotted taking an early dip in the Flautists’ Pond; experimental psychologists disturb the dawn peace of the Behavioural Psychologists’ Pond. Meanwhile, Humanists say they are being forced to accept an overflow from the Agnostics’ Pond and somebody starts a petition to stop the Labradors’ Pond being disturbed by splashy labradoodles. Soon the Heath will be all ponds.
When things eventually simmer down in Hampstead, they can get back to the serious business, which is to keep out riff-raff from Highgate and upstarts from Camden Town who might try to take a dip. Do you have the sneeze that is right for you? This is a good time to take a long hard look at your sneeze and see that it suits your personality. After all, it could be the loudest noise you emit. Surely you are not still saying “atisho “atishoo”; that was out of date even in the da days when Noah’s son Shem got a bit of a sniffle on the Ark. Genteel ladies used t to sneeze “Shih Tzu!”, pretending they w were just calling to their fashio fashionable miniature dogs. Nowadays wome women’s sneezes are more assertive. Headm Headmistresses tell their girls to let thems themselves go and bellow “Ambition!”
The There has been a tendency for some to sneeze “Yeltsin!” Resist this; it is a plot by the Kremlin to des destabilise the West by harnessing our flu epidemics. Instead con consider the names of diseases: “A “Alopecia!” makes a satisfying exp explosion, as does “Brucellosis!” an and you will certainly attract att attention in a crowd. Cultured typ types may prefer “Toscanini!” My present New Year cold has allo allowed me to experiment with many varieties of sneeze. My current favour favourite is “HOWITZER!”