How to show your work colleagues who’s the daddy
Here at Desirable Outcomes plc, we lead the way in encouraging male employees to take shared parental leave. We believe that the infanting skills they acquire looking after a new baby are an asset to the company when they return and relationships with colleagues are enhanced. As we say at Desirable Outcomes, when we give you a smile you can be sure it’s not just wind.
Just a few reminders for the new dads among us: observe the protocols when throwing colleagues up in the air and catching them. Don’t try it with female staff or those more junior than you. Choose someone who is not too tall; Ken Stimson, in Human Resources, has kindly agreed to make himself available between 8.30 and 10 o’clock on Mondays and Wednesdays.
As for other forms of greeting, putting your face very close to someone else’s face and saying “oozy woozy goo goo” is very much in the spirit of this company. Alternatively, push a squeaky rabbit into their face and wiggle it about a bit.
You are welcome to use the office rabbit; simply apply to your line manager. I’m expecting delivery of new office wipes with the company logo on them.
You will notice that the table and chairs have been removed from the Nice Little Chat area. This is because we now feel conferences are more effective when we all sit comfortably on the floor.
The 3.30am conference is another innovation introduced by our new dads. Also, Technical Support is re-named Whoops-a-Daisy.
A word to staff in Reception: we are currently re-thinking our policy of greeting visitors with the words, “Let me just check if you’re stinky.” I will issue a new form of words shortly.
I welcome feedback from staff. If you have any problems or suggestions, just pop into my office for a bounce. Or you can speak to me on my baby monitor.
A major cause of tension at the dining table is the clash between the chompers and the nibblers. It is seldom mentioned but it is there every mealtime. Now a Japanese study claims that you can lose weight if you eat more slowly. That may be true, but you will also drive your speed-eating companions mad.
I believe it’s impossible to change anyway. If you come from a family who wolf down supper you are doomed to be a bolter. Slow eaters aters will always munch away, losing concentration on the food on their plate and launching into a lengthy account of a rather dull holiday as their gravy congeals and their Yorkshire pudding loses heart.
I come from a family who all ate at breakneck speed. The food was delicious, but we went flat out. We could clear our plates almost before visitors had picked up their knives and forks.
Maybe fast-eaters are driven by a hidden fear that someone might reach over and take the roast potato we were saving for last, but I believe it’s mostly a matter of conversation. You can’t linger over your lasagne if you want to get a word in edgeways before everyone has moved on to a different topic. You can’t cap someone’s anecdote when you have a mouth full of parsnip. The tension
at telegraph.co.uk/ opinion will always be there. While the slow eaters chew away methodically, the rest of us will just have to sit and grind our teeth.
Surplus rescue cats from Y Yorkshire are being sent to Londo London to be re-homed. Apparently there i is greater demand in the capital. This s sounds like a fine idea, but Londo Londoners should be warned that Yorksh Yorkshire cats are different. All cats have a an air of superiority, but a Yorksh Yorkshire tabby has it in spades. You will notice the arrogance in the way it walks. It regards southern mice as we weak and tasteless and hardly wor worth chasing. It doesn’t care for sitt sitting close to the fire because tha that’s nesh. It is reluctant to purr, bec because that’s soppy and daft. It wi will tolerate its owner, provided he or she can fettle a tin of Whiskas. Ne Never mention neutering in its pre presence.
T The cat’s new London owner may think the newly-arrived Yorks Yorkshire moggy is rude. In fact, it’s just bl blunt. When it yowls it is only speak speaking as it finds.