Smart meters need a punter-friendly name
‘Our big mistake was to call them ‘smart’ meters. Nobody likes a clever dick. After all, calling bombs smart bombs doesn’t really sell the idea of bombs to the public.”
“Oh I know. And when an invitation says ‘smart casual’ it’s really quite intimidating. I always think people will be judgmental about my chinos. And my smart watch seems to do everything but tell the time.”
“The trouble is, the customers subconsciously have the feeling that their smart meter will get together with the know-all Alexa to despise them. We’re going to have to replace ‘smart’ with a more punter-friendly word.”
“How about nice? Or Metery McMeterface?”
“Sadly, the British public doesn’t seem ready to think there’s anything funny about their energy bills. While we’re at it, ‘meter’ isn’t very good either. It has gloomy associations with parking. And ‘monitor’ is no better; it suggests we’re spying on the customer.” “Isn’t that exactly what we’re doing?” “I didn’t hear that. I think we should go down the Alexa path and give this ingenious little device a human name.”
“I’ve got it! Let’s call it Eric. You can tell he’s a decent, dependable sort of bloke. Just the sort you would like to have stuck on your wall. And it could stand for Energy Recorder with Instant Costing – or something.”
“Acronyms have had their day. And a girl’s name would be better.”
“Got it! Debbie. Everyone loves a Debbie.”
“Brilliant. Debbie it is. I’ll get our market research guys onto it right away. Very successful meeting. Thank you. Oh, and turn the lights out when you leave.”
Forget about hipsters; the trend now is to be a praggie. Yes, pragmatism is suddenly the new big thing, and praggies are taking over in up-and-coming areas of London and other cities. Hipster beards are out; you will recognise a praggie man by his early-stage moustache. The idea is that he will continue to grow it only if the general consensus is that the project is worth pursuing.
The men and the women are likely to be wearing dungarees, so that they are prepared to undertake any practical task that may crop up. You will also recognise them by their sensible shoes. You can tell when an area has been colonised by the praggies because dozens of sensible shoe shops suddenly appear in every street.
Their coffee shop culture is quite different. The etiquette is to go o in and say: “I’ll have whatever you’ve got a lot of.” So, one day you may get a camomile tea, the next it will be a hot chocolate ocolate or perhaps a large mug of lukewarm arm soya milk. The praggies’ highest word ord of praise is “realistic,” so he or she e is bound to say: “Hey, this large mug of lukewarm soya milk is absolutely ely realistic.” There are other terms ms signifying approval. You might t hear someone say: “My new girlfriend nd is a truly workable solution.” Or: “Love Love the dungarees! Expedient or what?”
Someone arriving in one of their trendy bars will say: “Golly, I need eed a large glass of whatever you’ve got a lot of. My day has been totally dogmatic. The traffic this morning was woefully ill-advised. I was stuck in my car outside that newly-opened sensible shoe shop for three quarters of an hour.”
at telegraph.co.uk/ opinion
And the barman (whose moustache is generally considered to be viable) will reply: “Sorry to hear that, man. That’s really rigid.”
We can be sure there will be more h hosepipe bans sooner or later, so here a are some ideas what to do with yours when it becomes redundant:
1. Cut i it into four-inch segments and leave t them lying around in your garden garden. They make excellent safe haven havens for beetles and woodlice.
2. Twi Twist it into an amusing sculpture to display on your parched lawn. See numer numerous websites for step-by-step guide guides to making a hosepipe giraffe.
3. Sim Simmer gently for 14 hours or so wit with a few onions and turnips and a bou bouquet garni to make a nourishing cas casserole somewhat like tripe.
4. H Hold races with self re-winding ho hosepipes. This is happening alr already. People are breaking into pub public parks at night, extending the their hoses as far as they will go, then getting them to snake back acros across the ground at high speed. Bets are pla placed on the fastest one and huge sums o of money are changing hands.