How to win at the baggage reclaim game
This may be a good time to remind readers of the main points from my book The Sophisticated Traveller’s Guide to Baggage Reclaim. It remains the definitive work on air terminal carousel management.
Point one: NEVER position yourself next to the spot where the cases spew out on to the roundabout, as this will make you appear needy. Baggage reclaim is a competitive business and it’s important to squeeze through the throng at precisely the right moment.
Manoeuvre your trolley into position to close off the path of your main rival or, even better, get your spouse to block opponents by acting like a fullback in American football. Some of the “greats” in the reclaim game surreptitiously place an unexpected item (such as a single crutch or a baby’s dummy) on the carousel to distract the attention of those waiting beside them.
Among the things circling at a stately pace there is always a large bulging cardboard box held together with a mass of black tape. It appears to have arrived from Malawi and it was actually put there by the airline, on the advice of luggage psychologists who say the box becomes a focus of attention and helps to prevent the atmosphere around the carousel becoming too tense. These boxes are never claimed. One has been going around and around on Reclaim Five at Gatwick for nine years.
This is the scenario: your dignified and mature Revelation suitcase finally makes its appearance at the top of the chute, but you must, on no account, show any sign of recognition, as this will alert your rivals. It approaches slowly, preceded by an upstart Antler and nuzzled on the other side by a shiny pink number, obviously belonging to Barbie. Look out for that unstable cluster of rucksacks, which may slither down at any moment and sabotage the whole operation. Seize your moment, dive and grab.
If your suitcase never arrives, see my other book, Dealing with the Grief of a Lost Samsonite.
Welcome to Celebrity Stockpile, where famous people share their intimate secrets about what they are hoarding In Case the Worst Happens.
Wendy Havering-Morton, beauty vlogger: “I will live entirely on goji berries and have now stored three hundredweight in my garage. I’m also getting a dozen spare Pilates mats, because a friend tells me they will be the first things to become unavailable. Obviously, the internet will close down on day three and I have a huge stack of Post-it notes to stick messages on trees and lamp posts so I can meet up with other people and start rebuilding our civilisation.”
Tom Dick, four-times-married weatherman: “I have bought in a load of snuff. I’ve never taken it, but I thought I might start. It would be something to do in the winter nights with no light or heat. And if anybody tried to break in and steal my 144 tins of anchovy fillets, I could temporarily disable them by throwing the snuff in their faces.”
Evan Slightly, chiropodist to the stars: “This is a great investment opportunity. I have it on good authority that Dijon mustard will cost £156 a jar and I’ve managed ed to get hold of 1,400. Also, for my own consumption, I’ve bought 40 bottles of Worcestershire sauce. They will be some consolation when all the
at telegraph.co.uk/ opinion other ingredients for a Bloody Mary have run out.”
Sue Marrowbone, top TV archaeologist: “Masses of Plasticine. It’s going to be the emergency currency.”
I would like to add my voice to th those calling on the Government to gran grant full independence to Love Island Island. For too long, the population of this ou out-of-the-way spot have laboured under the yoke of British rule. They seek to be left alone to pursue their quaint customs and I understand that they h have spent most of the past few weeks doing serious work, agreeing on a con constitution. There is no doubt about the e earnestness of their aspirations. Let us not hesitate or their very real lon longing for self-expression will lead to s social unrest. The Foreign Office mu must act now to hasten the day wh when the Love Island national bik bikini flies on the flagpole of their ver very own parliament. And if they wis wish to break off all ties with this coun country, then we must accept that.
(Note: all the above items have been fact-checked by Gwyneth Paltrow.)