I’m not your ‘love’: 20 more niggles of modern society
As Gatwick Airport’s staff drop over-friendly terms of address, Michael Hogan lists our other pet hates
Rejoice, fellow haters of over-familiar greetings. Staff at Gatwick Airport have been banned from calling passengers “love” or “darling”. In an all too rare outbreak of common sense, a memo to employees says travellers should be referred to either by their name, “Sir” or “Madam”. If we can stamp out non-friends calling us “mate”, the world would be a happier place.
Yes, ever since cavemen chipped their teeth while gnawing on woolly mammoth bones, human existence has been beset by such minor niggles and petty grievances. Only this week, the Telegraph received a letter from reader Brian Clivaz asking: “Why can’t cash machines dispense notes all facing the same way? It’s so irritating to have to rearrange them every time.”
We were flooded with similar ATM-related complaints and the office was abuzz with personal bugbears. So here’s a selection of 20 more tiny yet teethgnashing annoyances… 1. Kisses from people you’ve never met Would person? you Then pucker don’t up do in it on emails and texts. We’re British, not French. 2. People who board trains without letting people off first Wait your turn, pushy commuters. We’re British, not French. Again. 3. Out-of-control children in restaurants “I don’t care if your meal has been ruined. My feral little darlings must be allowed to express their creativity.” 4. Disappointing fruit
A flavourless clementine, a mushy banana, a woody pear. Your attempt to be healthy has backfired. Biscuit? 5. Loud phone talkers on public transport Sometimes they even have the temerity to do it in the “quiet zone”.
6. Food served on wooden boards Or hunks of slate. There’s a reason plates were invented. 7. Automated checkouts So quick! So convenient! Except they never work smoothly. Stick your unexpected item up your bagging area, supermarkets. 8. Cyclists
They barrel down pavements, jump traffic lights and seem to think the Highway Code doesn’t apply to them. All while wearing headphones. 9. Not remembering passwords
Have a different one for each website, they say. It’s more secure, they say. Not if you can’t log in, it’s not. 10. “Can I get…?”
Please may I have a sentence construction that isn’t from a Noo Yoik coffee shop? 11. PPI and accident claim calls Make. Them. Stop. Or. We. Will. Kill. Again. 12. Other people’s personal noises Random tapping or drumming on tables. Slurping drinks. Chewing, breathing, sniffling or snoring too loudly. Just existing too loudly. 13. People who suddenly stop dead in the middle of pavements We suspect the same monsters are door-blockers and stair-loiterers. 14. Socks slipping into your shoes And for women, itchy bras. It’s like our own clothes are conspiring against us. 15. People who put bags on seats when others are standing Have you bought a ticket for it? Then move it. See also people keeping their backpacks on, turning themselves into a sort of obstructive tortoise. 16. Losing the end of the cling film
Cue fingernails scrabbling around the roll and exasperated tutting. Sort it out, science. 17. Packets that are slightly too big for the contents to fit in i your storage jar H Hence that cupboard crammed with ne near-empty packs of tea bags/
pasta/sugar. 18. Store loyalty cards
Your wallet’s full of the pesky things. 19. Drivers who take up two parking spaces That’s right, Mr Selfish, the white lines are only there for us mere mortals. You’re magically exempt. 20. 2 Other people in general Intolerant? Us?