Look, we’re sorry about our apologies running late
The National Office for Public Apologies (Nopa) has admitted that its overall performance has not been up to the high standard that the British people are entitled to expect. This follows a damning report by the all-party parliamentary committee on official excuses, which pointed out that Britain had dropped to 23rd in the International Remorse Table, one place below Paraguay.
A Nopa spokesman said: “Look, our workload has been heavy lately as we have had to coordinate extra remorse on behalf of train companies, the NHS, schools and the Church.” (He added that Nopa was making every effort to avoid beginning every explanation with the word “look,” agreeing that “We need to take a long hard look at the word ‘look’.”)
The increased workload has coincided with a move to raise overall sincerity levels. It is pointed out that 47 per cent of apologies are now unreserved, and unequivocal apologies have reached a record 28 per cent. All front-line staff have been told that they must freely admit rather than just admit. The most common complaints still concern the laterunning of apologies, but there have also been some spectacular cases of mis-grovelling. “Look, opportunities were missed in the past, but more robust processes are now in place to prioritise the overhaul of our grovelling practices,” the spokesman pointed out. “Processes that were put in place have too often been put in the wrong place. I freely admit that things have not been good enough on my watch, but lessons have been learnt.”
Nopa has instituted a three-year programme to downgrade serious errors to shortcomings. “Look,” the spokesman said, “we acknowledge that too often we have not been able to identify the exact place where the buck stops and this has caused difficulties. We are now installing a new system of buck-management.”
(We approached the Ministry of Abject Affairs for comment, but nobody was available to be interviewed.)
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