‘Our family is built around infinite love’
They’ve come under fire for using a surrogate, but Eleanor Steafel finds Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black in joyous, positive mood
Tom Daley is darting barefoot around a suite in a central London hotel, on a frantic search. In all likelihood, it’s difficult to get the 24-year-old, 5ft 10in Olympian to sit still at the best of times but, today, he barely settles throughout our entire interview. It would be distracting if my eyes weren’t glued to the tiny baby, softly gurgling from the sofa. Daley has misplaced his newborn son’s dummy, and reckons he has a twominute window before seven-weekold Robert Ray Black-Daley, who has just woken up, starts wailing.
Daley’s husband, Dustin Lance Black (known as Lance), picks up Robbie to soothe him, reaching around for a muslin. “The last hour of sleep I had today was at 4.30am,” says Black, 44, without a hint of irritation or even exhaustion. “There is nothing that can prepare you for being the centre of someone’s universe,” he says. “You can think about it, you can have people tell you about it, but then it happens and there is an overwhelming sense of love and responsibility. Your priorities change very quickly.”
Daley is back, brandishing the dummy triumphantly, before dashing off again to make Robbie’s bottle. “He’s going to last about two minutes with the dummy before he realises it’s not food,” he says.
It is a scene any parent will recall from those hazy newborn days: living hour to hour, the world revolving around the next feed, nap or nappy change. But for Daley and Black, every moment seems a pleasure.
This is a couple who have not just hurdled the obvious biological obstacles, but weathered a serious backlash for having a baby via a surrogate – both from critics of commercial surrogacy in the press and the usual trolls on social media. And that’s before you consider the lengthy, difficult and often painful process that surrogacy itself can entail, even without public scrutiny.
Today, giving their first interview together as a couple, Daley and Black – who were married at Bovey Castle in Devon in May last year – are calm, measured and impressively empathetic when talking about the negativity directed at them.
“I was very surprised by the reaction because so many people I know have done it,” says Black, an Oscar-winning screenwriter from California (he won his Academy award for Milk, the 2009 film starring Sean Penn as the first openly gay elected official in California). “In the US, it was all positive but I think that’s because it’s a different system. Laws are in place there, protections are in place, there is a better understanding. I think law can help lead to understanding.”
“Right now it’s like the Wild West in the UK,” says Daley, delivering Robbie’s bottle. “In the States, there is a legal framework, you are not allowed to do it if you need the money. The surrogate is better protected, as well as the intended parents. It’s just safer for everyone.”
Criticism from those who think couples who can’t conceive naturally should adopt, or those who think surrogacy exploits vulnerable women, has come thick and fast. How has it felt to be accused of being selfish for wanting a family? “Lots of people say, ‘why don’t you adopt?’ You wouldn’t say that to a straight couple. You wouldn’t say: ‘why do you deserve to have a biological kid?’,” says Daley.
Friends including Elton John and David Furnish, who have been through the process themselves, encouraged the couple to follow their dream of having a biological child. “We’ve met Elton’s and David’s kids, they’re so cute and so much fun,” says Daley. “Are these kids happy? Clearly, these are very happy kids.”
The pair chose to go to the US – where the cost of surrogacy starts at £75,000 – because, in the UK, the surrogate mother is considered the baby’s legal guardian until parental rights are transferred in the family court, which can take up to two years.
They found an egg donor, each made a sperm donation, then they faced a long wait for a suitable surrogate. Finally, an embryo was created – their choice was that only medical staff knew whose sperm fertilised the egg – and implanted.
Robbie was born in a hospital south of LA on June 27: “The most magical moment,” says Daley. “It filled me with this energy and rush of emotion I’ve never felt before in my whole life.”
Daley and Black talk to their surrogate on the phone constantly, adamant she will remain part of their family. “She becomes such a massive part of your life for those nine months,” Daley says. “Some don’t want long-term relationships [with the parents]. We talk to ours all the time. This is a very familial process.”
Daley and Black are still welcoming an influx of friends and family; none of whom is able to resist claiming Robbie’s nose or eyes as a sure sign of their own genes.
“That’s going to continue forever and ever,” says Daley. “But one thing we’re very strongly leaning towards is that we don’t want to know. He’s ours.” .” Not that they will stop him seeking answers when he’s old enough to ask questions.
“I don’t think we’ll ever hide
‘We talk to our surrogate all the time – this is a very familial process’