The signs you’re already a 2019 pre-Christmas cliché…
From bemoaning festive adverts to rows over the in-laws and going ‘eco’, Guy Kelly offers the proof
The campaign launches were often confusing, at times painful. There’s little to feel cheery about, but optimism is being rammed down our throats. And as for the rotund, jolly bloke preparing to criss-cross the country… is there really no one better?
No, this is not another article about the general election.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, quite literally everywhere you go. But how are you responding to that? With a slow-burning sense of excitement that will peak just at the right time, like a Waitrose Christmas pudding? Or with a sense of dread, guilt and irritation about the whole thing, like the Grinch with a diazepam dependency?
If the former: well done, but you’ll never sustain it. If the latter: you’re a pre-Christmas cliché and equally cannot be helped. If you’re not sure: read on and see if you can identify with any of these situations…
You’ve already turned ‘Where are we spending Christmas?’ into a row
In the list of Most Relatable Royal Moments, there’s the time the Queen shouted “Cows!” when she saw some cows, and now there’s the report that the Sus sexes will spend Christmas with Meghan’s mother, Doria Ragland, rather than with the royals.
We’ve all been there.
Well, we haven’t all had to pick between Sandringham and Los Angeles for the festive season, but we’ve all been involved in the “whose turn is it?” argument.
Really, though, is it worth a row? Christmas is three days of the year. Hosting is a hassle; visiting someone else is a hassle. In-laws can be bribed with extra presents and promised grandchildren. The losing party will get over it by Boxing Day.
You’ve told everybody you’re not buying – or expecting – presents this year
“Just an FYI for anyone thinking of buying me a present this year, we have decided we will neither be buying nor giving gifts,” you will announce. “With the world in the parlous state it is in, it is only right that we do not add to the tidal wave of consumer waste, and having experienced your gift-giving before, I know I would only end up throwing away whatever you send me and the children.”
You’ve Yo declared the th Christmas advert dead
It’s not that you’re wrong. Far from it, in fact: the annual platter of overly sugared, aren’t-we-fun Christmas advertisements has served nothing remotely interesting this year. John Lewis’s
“Excitable Edgar” essentially urges expressive people to just shut up and fit in; Sainsbury’s has really overestimated how delicious clementines are; and Aldi reinforces the stereotype that Brussels sprouts are inherently threatening (is this the only Brexiteer Christmas ad?). But does this mean the Christmas advert is dead? No – because you will definitely watch them all next year and say the same thing.
You’re obsessed with making it an ‘eco-Christmas’
You’ve been looking everywhere for a biodegradable Christmas tree, and haven’t understood why the garden centres keep laughing at you. You noted down the precise amount of food left over at Christmas lunch last year and have subtracted that amount from shopping plans this year. You’re making your own wrapping paper from autumn leaves. Your fairy lights are wind-powered. You refuse to listen to Driving Home for Christmas because the word “car” is against your principles.
You insist Christmas can’t start until the election is over
“There are doors to knock on, leaflets to hand out, debates to watch, manifestos to pore over, majorities to work out, and, um, a little thing called
voting to do.” You’re tremendous fun at parties – not that you’ll be going to any until December 13, of course.