Dating apps are the beauty and the beast of modern love

‘Does your face hurt?” the man asked. “Because you look like you fell from heaven right on to it.” This jewel of an introductory missive came to me on Tinder, and represents a genre of message – known charitably as a “neg” (wrapping a compliment in an insult) – that will be familiar to any woman who has tried app dating.

And so it is easy to believe, indeed to feel, that apps make monsters of men and instill deep wariness and anger in women. The reason for this falling off in manners and mood, of course, is the callousness and frustration that comes with riffling through thousands of options and finding out the hard way that the illusion of choice is just that: an illusion.

But as we come upon romantic rush season, it is perhaps useful to think about modern digital dating in a new light. The period between Boxing Day and Valentine’s Day sees frenetic activity on sites and apps as people try to start the year with a bang, some simply vowing not to have to brave the festive season again on their own.

Like them or loathe them, it’s time to acknowledge that dating apps are part of life now. At least one in three couples now meets online, and by 2037, half of babies will be born to parents who met in digital chambers of love. And for all that their churn creates sickening rudeness and deep fatigue, which are not good for a romantic quest, they

also mean that with enough grit and diligence, those seeking some action, casual or serious, stand to meet many more people for dates than was ever possible in the age of friendbased matchmaking and singles’ parties.

The jumble and churn of dating app culture means people are less picky too about finding a partner just like them; a study of Tinder by researchers at the University of Essex found that couples who meet via apps are increasingly transcending barriers of race and class.

There are, of course, real psychological downsides to app dating, especially for men. If you’re a middle-of-the-roadlooking man, you may swipe right on thousands of female faces and get no matches in return. Christian Rudder, of OkCupid, said in 2009 that the best-looking men got 11 times as many messages as the those deemed least attractive. Women of all types get far more messages.

The advantages and the grim downsides are one and the same in the new technologies of meeting and mating, but given the apps are here to stay, we might as well focus on the good. Whatever your romantic situation, I wish you a very happy Christmas.

Given the apps are here to stay, we might as well focus on the good